I'm Married...(later maybe?)

I'm married today! (Ups! I'm joking.... ;P)
My best friend, Roma, was married today with her boyfriend, Rully.
They finally united in holy marriage now...

Well, I kinda felt touched when they said the promises in front of the altar, and of course before GOD. It made me think that how time had changed us and well, now one of my best friends isn't single anymore. She's bound in a marriage now.
Besides me sat Ester and her boyfriend and also Tao and her boyfriend also. Well, I'm the only happy single there sat among my friends that already got boyfriends. And these weeks I heard so many news about many of my old friends in college already married or will get married next year, not to mention two of my cousins that already married this year and two again will follow the next year. It's seems like all the relatives eyes, especially my aunts, are directed toward me and my status for being single.
Well, who are they to force me to quickly find the right guy and marry him?
Whatever they will say and whatever things they will do to persuade me or my mom to 'press' me on marriage matters, I don't care! I just want to live my life to the full.
Period.

Natalan bo!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
SELAMAT NATAL!!!
FELIZ NAVIDAD!!
JOYEOUX NOEL!!!

Pokoknye semua bahasa yang gue tau deh...
Gw cuma mau ngucapin semuanya dan kali aja orang yang mampir ke situs gw bakalan ngeliat dan ngerti artinya postingan gw kali ini.

Ok, sebelumnya gw minta maaf karena gw jarang mosting lagi akhir2 ini. Abisan terlalu banyak jadwal yang harus gw jalanin menjelang akhir tahun ini. Baik itu di Kefa en di Jakarta. Gw harap di tahun depan gw bisa lebih rajin posting di blog gw tercinta ini.
Ok deh, GOD bless u all!

White Forest and Loneliness

It's strange how a threatening situation can made u think about death...

Yesterday, when I was on a trip back to Kefa after stayed for a night in another base in Naikliu, there's something happened and made me ever think about death.
It was a late departure from Naikliu, we supposed to leave before 9 A.M because the driver told me that the weather will become worse and the path in the mountains will be difficult to climb. But there so many things that undone by the staff in Naikliu, including the report and other things that we supposed to bring into Kefa office.
So, we went off late at 11 A.M.

First, the weather was very sunny and nice, I even took some pics while we drove off home. But then when we reached the mountains, it began to rain.

We tried to climb the hills slowly, but the rain had turned the ground into mud and soft soil, so it was hard. So, the driver stopped the car and picked up some stones to weighed down the truck. At that time we're in the middle of 'White Forest' because all the trees' trunk in that forest are white (they are Cajuputi tree that can be made into some essential oil).

While I stayed in the truck and the driver picked up the stones, a thought of death came into my mind.
How if we can't get out from this forest? How if we try and the truck accidentally rolled off and fell to the valleys? How if my parents know that their daughter accidentally killed in a truck accident in a remote place? Will my friends cry when they know that I'm dead in here?
And will he cries when he know that I was killed in an accident?

These thoughts came into my mind because at the second climb, the truck stuck in the mud again and the rain became harder. The driver told me that we should back or else stuck in the forest all night. It was a very frightening situation. We haven't got our lunch and it was getting late, soon it will be dark.
I sat silently in the truck and heard the birds singing beautifully, and the sounds of a small stream calming my mind. The rain keep pourin down and made me think about the people that I left in Jakarta. I even think about what clothes will I wear in my coffin. I felt alone and it was a bad way to die, to die alone in the middle of nowhere, I mean.

"Hey! I'm not gonna die here!" I said to myself. "What for GOD sent me from miles away just to die here? That's stupid Mel!"

But when we try again the truck is still stuck in the same track, so, we have to come down from the mountain and back to the nearest village. If we keep on moving, there's another threat, a lack of gasoline, we probably stuck in another wilderness without any gasoline.

Thank GOD, when we came to the village leader's house, they agree to help us. So two of them climbed up to the back of the truck and ride with us to the mountains. Then we spent about two hours in helping the truck to get away from holes, and soft soil. When we succeeded in overcame a track, there still so many tracks that left ahead. I finally got down from the truck and helped them dig the soil in the side road by using the shovel. Man, that was the first time I did that.

After two hours struggled in the mountains, we finally can escaped from those threats. But there so many miles left before we reached Kefa. And it was 6 P.M. We drove through the dark villages and forest, and almost stuck in another forest. After passed 35 rivers and streams, and 145 km, we finally reached Kefa. I'm so glad because we had made it back to this town.
Though it cost us 12 hours (from 10.30 A.M to 10.30 P.M), and lots of energy and many pain (my back is still in trouble now). We finally here, though I don't very much like this town, but when I see civilization, I think that's enough for me now.

And well, those thoughts of death had been wiped away from me...

The Road Less Travelled

One fine afternoon by the sea...
I sat on a rock after travelled with my friend's sister throughout the day browsing Kupang. Then she brought me to this beach. After a hard time walked on sharp rock along the beach, even the sand isn't soft, we found a big rock and decide to climb over it.
Though it's hard and so many times we both grumble because of the hard rock, we finally realize that it's worth it. We saw a very beautiful scenery above it.

Well, sometimes, we live like this too, we often grumble about the sharp rock that we had to step on when we walk along life's road. And so many times, we just want to stop and then realize that the sand where we stand isn't better either. But when we finally reach the top, our goal, purpose, etc, we always amazed about the things we found there and forget our troubles and sorrow.

Maybe these times when I felt that I am alone here, and the road that I walk is the road that less travelled by many people, especially girls. I keep in my mind that whatever will happen ahead, I know that something great and beautiful will wait for me there.

A Glass of Comfort

A glass of cold water is all that I want now....

Maybe because its been so hot in here and there is no refrigerator in my rent house and office. Or maybe because I've been missing all the comfort that I used to have in Jakarta?

Oh yeah, I know it's so different from Jakarta with all it's comfort.
In Jakarta, I can get any kind of juice that I want, any books that I want to read and a glass of cold water don't matter too much for me. Here? Even too find a glass of clean, cold and pure water with no particles dissolved in it, is very hard to do.

And one of my colleagues said to me : Remember, you have to stay here for a year ahead. Yes, it's true. I remember it so much. But everything seems run slowly here.
I've been here for a week, but it seems that it had been a year. I still can't figure it out about how I should do my job and it seems so hard to be the smallest and the youngest staff in here.
I'm alone. I'm the only 22 years old unmarried female here, while most of my colleagues are male and married. It seems like I'm a teenage with all the big-city-stuff that I used everyday (clothes, language, and style). And sometimes, I felt desolated.

But I remember a quote: "An eagle flies alone"
And that quote seems strengthening me here. I know that an eagle is a noble bird that is tough and can survive the storm. Yet, it flies alone....
I'm all alone here, alone without all the comfort zone and protection from spiritual leader in church, alone without all the things that made me comfortable in Jakarta.

But an eagle should flies alone. Coz the storm is coming my way. God, I wish that I could manage to fly, eventhough I should fly alone...
I just hope that there are people out there that pray for me, people that remember that I'm still their friends, eventhough I never contact them again because of many things...
Coz I had left my comfort nest, and my glass of comfort to fly alone in a deserted land...

I'm wondering what my life would be next?

After a long and tiring flight from Jakarta (it took about 5 hours), I finally arrive in Kupang. And I had to 'fight' with some passangers to get my bags from the pick up part in airport. Gee, can u imagine that I had to pick those two bags that weighed around 35 kilograms by myself. Thank GOD everything is undercontrol. Then outside the airport, I met the Project leader and his staff that already waited for me.

I thought we're gonna stay in Kupang for a nigt (at least I thought they will let me stay in here), but I'm wrong. We had to arrive in Kefa tonight. So after a not so delicious meal at a local restaurant, we drove as quickly as possible to Kefa.
Man, it was a very fast and quite not comfortable trip for me. I had to hold on to cold wind that blows through the opened windows (they did this because they were smoking inside the car). I hate smokers, but I can do nothing to stop them.

We arrived at a village and stop for a while, then we continue our journey to Kefa. I hardly can sleep because the wind blows very hard, but at least I fell asleep. Then they wake me up when we had reached Kefa. They brought me to the hotel and left me there. I washed my face and went to sleep quickly.

The sound of someone that knocked door wake me up the next morning. Gee it's almost 9 A.M. but I can hardly open my eyes. Then I wake up and saw that the CARE Staff that had came to picked me up. I told them to wait and rushed to take a bath.
Then hungrily, I went to the office and was introduced to many people in the office. Then all things went very boring, I can hardlly do anything there. Just sat all day and talked to few people. I went back to hotel and moved to another room (without AC and refrigerator, sigh).
Anyway, I read on my room till two of the staff picked me up and took me out for dinner at a local restaurant.
Then I was back at my room and fell asleep.

I still don't know what will happen to me next. I just found a nice housing where I rent a room, the lady and her husband are so friendly to me. They treat me so well. Then the next day I went to Bitefa where one of the TFC (Therapeutic Feeding Centre) is located. I went there with dr. Yohan and a nurse. Then they left me there for hours (till I get bored and fell asleep few times). I had talked to the nurses and nutrition aid and also to the mothers whose children are doing therapy there. And I had saw pigs scattered everywhere like cats in Jakarta. Maybe I'll post the pics later, because the pigs pics are so funny. One pig looks like a 'rocker pig' with blonde spiky hair. LOL.

Anyhow, so far, everything goes smoothly for me...hehehehehe

Tests Menace

These days I'm acting like a killer teacher in giving marks to the students. But I kinda stressed too about these matters because almost all of the students that I teach, got poor marks, just some of them that got good marks. Adding to this menace, I had to prepare so many things and do so many things before my departure to Kefa, NTT. So many things have to be prepared, yet, it looks like that my teacher friends aren't so happy if I leave them soon, especially the principal.

They talked about it secretly behind my back. I knew it from a friend that I trust. And this thing made me felt uneasy since few days ago they seem okay when they heard that I'm gonna leave them and work in another place.

Worse, the parents and teachers meeting that supposed to be on this Saturday was canceled and moved to next Saturday. I will resign on next Friday (21 October) but the meeting will be hold on Saturday (22 October). And on 22 October, I have to attend my friend's wedding party! I felt uneasy, even after one of my teacher friends said that I had to attend that meeting and be responsible to answer all those parents questions about their children achievement (regarding those poor marks!!).
I want to answer : "Hey, I'm not a teacher anymore in here on 22 October."
But I can't. I don't want to leave bad memories to the people that I will leave here. It's enough that I will leave them the 'failure' of a teacher-that-can't- make-the-students-get-good marks.
And the teacher that don't get along with them (the teachers).

It seems like these obstacles pop out from the people that I didn't expect before. They seem so Godly and holy (I felt like this because I NEVER attend teachers devotion every morning since the first day I became a teacher here). I won't like if someday, after I left, they will talk about my bad habits or problems that I left. I just want an easy resign, not more than that now.

I don't know to whom I should talk about this matter. It seems like I can trust no one here at this school, except one, my best friend here who is an English teacher just like me. But she don't know what to do too, and she didn't have any idea of how I should resign.

Right now, I don't know what to do. Can u give me a suggestion?

Just Close the Door!!!

I thought another door had been closed today as the end of my day at work approaching. Today was full of things that made me feel hectic.

Arriving at the school, I faced so many piles of papers that I have to correct. Though it's not my job because I only handle 3 subjects : English Awareness, English Language and Conversation.
And yesterday I had finished all the English Awareness papers test and today I planned to help my English teachers friends with their pile of works. Because it had been decided by all of us to help each other after one had finished his/her job.

And u know what? It's really absolutely dissapointing when I found that the people that had to do their own job (correcting the papers test) didn't show up somehow. Though they put their job on the desk without noone correcting them! I had do my best to help them, but it seems that they didn't even realize their own responsibility. Gee! With all of these, I'm not sure that they will help me to correct all the 8000 questions (from 8 English Language classes) that I teach on next Tuesday.

Can u imagine that?? 8000 questions in only 3 days before all those papers will be given back to the students!! And the next day after we'll give them to the students, there will be parents meeting in school and we have to face all the comments and critics from all the parents!

These things made me quite gloomy somehow. And I felt that I heard a closing door before me as the day ended. Cause I have been waiting for the news from the NGO that interviewed me last week, they said that at the latest, they will inform me on Friday if I am accepted.
And as I'm waiting for a bus to go home from my office, I begin to think, well I'm gonna start a new business somehow and I don't really care if a door to work in the NGO closed again. I'm not going to regret too long on this case and I have to move on...

But when I sat on the bus, my cellphone rang and I picked it up. It was from the HRD Manager of that NGO (CARE International). She informed me that I was accepted and I have to go next week to Kefa, NTT (Nusa Tenggara Timor) near East Timor to work there as a nutritionist.
I'm glad, but somehow I felt a bit hard to leave Jakarta, my family, my friends and things that I have here (the business that I'm going to start). But I ever prayed to GOD last week, that if HE wants me to go, then HE'll open the door for me. And if HE wants me to stay, then HE'll closed the door.

Though it sounds and feel hard for me to go there and stay for a year there, I felt everything will be allright.
Sounds funny but a little bit strange, because the last time I got assurance from GOD to go to Aceh, I heard a song from the Launchcast Radio Yahoo that said :

"Step by step YOU lead me and I'm going to follow YOUR way"

But today I listened to my MP3 player in my cellphone a song that said :

"Lead me I'll follow, whereever YOU lead me now"

I felt relax and calmed though this song is a RnB song. I don't know, maybe with my short mind I thought that GOD had closed another door in my life, while HE actually had opened it.
I remember few days ago I ever said angrily to GOD :

"Just close the door, GOD! Close all the doors and make me abandoned like Joseph! After all, I began to lose my hope upon everything....!!"

And I'm wrong this time, HE didn't close all the door,
coz HE know better than I.....

Walk on Water OR Drowned?

I wake up and jumped out of my bed this morning, not because I have to prepare myself to go for the interview and the fact that I'm overslept. But because I remember one thing : my friend will face a surgery at 10 A.M. this morning and I haven't call her to support her.

I called her to her cellphone, but I thought she had turned it off. I bet she's on the way to the hospital. A bit of a guilty feeling because I'm not being a good friend that called her to say a prayer, or at least something that encouraging her to face this situation bravely, suddenly hit me. I just pray for her shortly after that.

Then a friend of mine SMS me and said that she will go to her hometown tomorrow. I'm so shocked because I haven't had any chance to visit her since she gave me a shocking news about her pregnancy! (this because she hasn't get married with her boyfriend). I was very concerned about her situation and again I felt guilty because I didn't have any chance to visit her since two weeks ago.

And what's more? I have an interview at a famous International NGO at 10 A.M. and still, I haven't prepare well for the interview. I just read few articles about the nutrition field that I had left for months, suddenly I didn't feel that I am a true nutritionist...

All the way to the NGO's office that located in Blok M, I didn't read my papers again. I even can't read my Bible as I usually do in the bus. The thoughts of my friends surrounded my mind and I felt sorry that I can't be a good friend to them. I just pray along the way that they will be all right.

Then I have to canceled my plan to stay in another town, Bogor, in my old friend's house because untill now I haven't decide what I should do in this kind of situation.
I called some old friends about a lodging to stay overnight, but I didn't have assurance. So, I just chat with them though I used my bro's cellphone. Sadly some of my friends had laid back from the LORD in many ways. And because of that I felt sorry for being too ignorant and selfish for all these times.

It seems that this day is a day that will determine my life and the life that people around me. It just like I'm walking alone in the sea of uncertainty and the water had already covered half of my body. I'm feeling cold, I'm afraid, and the sea seems so threatening, but yet, I have to go on and try to walk on water, no matter what lies before me.

But will I make it? Will I walk on water? Or will I drown in this sea?

Red Lights

I got a red light again this time. A way had been closed this morning when my friend told me that my project in translating a semi-scientific book was rejected by her boss.
I was kinda shocked about the news, coz I want it badly, at least this is what I think to get involved in media-related activities, the thing that I always long for, a glimpse of my vision and calling....

And here I am, with the rejected project (though I had sleepless for two days to did that), and a blank vision.
Stressed with the coming exams in school and piles of tasks to do. I can do nothing and just keep wondering why it seems all the road that I want to walk to fulfill my vision seems closed. Am I in the right track?

Why there always red light that I meet these days?
Where are the green lights?

Looks like I began to questioning GOD again this time....

show me the future GOD....!

It's been four days since this disturbing cough and terrible throat infection started. I can hardly sleep well, and I lost my voice, though it's getting better soon.
Anyhow, I had tried so many kinds of medicines, from the modern one to the ancient recipe but still this didn't help me so much to stop this cough.
And well, another thing burdened me, a pile of work to do, I have to make about 450 questions for the upcoming mid semester test for the nine classes that I teach and yet another job offer come to me to be an editor for a publisher.
I don't know where the road will lead me. But I'm curious as new things begin to happen in my life. Though I'm still not feel that this place is where I should be at this moment, and many times I'm questioning GOD about what the future hold for me and why HE gave me a vision that so different from my condition right now. Sometimes I believe that HE wants me to believe and just follow HIM though I can't see the road clearly. These days GOD reminded me that HE never too slow to fulfill HIS promises.
Besides all of that things that disturbing my mind lately, somehow deep in my heart I still want to hear a simple and true 'Get Well Soon' from a heart that truly cares for me. And I'm back again in my corner of solitude here in this school where no one cares enough to chat with me...

Alone in the Storm

The storm is above my head, I'm exhausted, tired and lost...
Still don't know what to do
It feels like the time is stop inside me
I cry alone in this desert, cry for help
But no one hear me in the midst of all these confusion

Where will this road lead me?
Why I have to face this rocky road all my life?
I'm cold and alone
Seems losing all the light that once lighten my ways

Am I a castaway?
Shall I wonder all my life through?
Tell me the truth, no more bullshit, no more lies
Plain truth is all that I want...
I don't care what will it cost me

Angry, alone, sad and dissapointed I run
Run away to the clouds, but they slowly dissapear
Run to the sun and it burnt me
Run to the wind but it neglect me
And I run to you but you abandoned me...

Where should I go then, Elohim?
Why You seem like forsaken me?
I sit in silence...

Which Way I Should Fly?

Here I am,
In the middle of intersection again...
If I should leave, then I will, but will I make it?
If I should stay, I will, but do I have the strength to preserve it?

I have no strength, confused, bored and tired.
I wanna get out from all of these, I wanna hide, I wanna run...
Sometimes I wanna take the easy road, not the road that less traveled
But my life had always bring me to a road that less traveled
Roads that hard and tough to be conquered
Roads that make me shed my tears and get hurt
And I keep wondering why I always get the hard way,
While many people walk the easy way

I'm alone again in the solemn blue sky,
Confused where I should fly
There's no one here to guide me
And I just stare the sky to ask for guidance.

Others had fly their own ways,
While I'm flying here without direction
And just wait for the Redemeer to show me the way
How long I can go on flying?
I don't know...only the Redemeer know it
I know He'll show me the way
Coz I believe in HIM

I Found Angels Today

Today as I began my day I decided to fast for a matter. It's been a long time since my last fasting and I quite doubt myself whether I can make it or not.
Anyhow, I found myself left behind by a bus that I should take to my workplace. I ran to get that bus among the cars that ran fast that didn't care enough that they might hurt a girl like me that try hard to get into the bus. To them I might seem crazy to chase a running bus. But to me, this is a matter of 'dead' or 'alive' or let say, a matter of being late and miss my class or not.
And suddenly in the midst of my effort to chase that bus, an 'angel' appeared to me. No, it wasn't a white robed person with wings and golden ring upon it's head.
In fact, it , or lets say, he, is a middle aged man that ride a motorbike. At first I didn't understand why he ran his bike slowly near me, but then he stopped and said, "Wanna ride to the front of the bus?"
I smiled and hopped into his bike. He drove fastly and succeded to reached the bus and stopped in front of it, and made it stopped. I'm very grateful at the moment and I tap his shoulder and said, "Thanks a lot Sir, GOD bless you so much!"
I hopped into the bus and sat safely in the seat. Gee, I never experience this kind of experience witha total staranger. I even didn't think I WILL DO THAT! I mean, jumped to a stranger's bike that offered me a free ride to get a bus. Man! I'm so lucky! While my trip to my office I kept thinking about this matter and thanked GOD so many times for this rare experience.

The second angel that I met today was Miss Jacqueline. She is a nice woman that worked in the administration office in my school. She offered to typed for me the test paper that I should make by myself. And she freed me from the burden that I should carry today.

The third angel that I met today was a woman (another stranger) that I met in the bus at my way back home. She offered me the seat that she deserved to has and take my seat that wasn't so comfortable because I sat next to the driver. In this selfish and egoistic city, it's hard to find people that are willing to sacrifice their own comfort for the others comfort. I thanked GOD again for these blessings, though to some of you these kind of blessings are unnoticed and unimportant. But I know that somehow, somewhere, these kinds of help are very important to some people and you never know how much these helps change someone.
Coz I've been experienced them...


You never know how much a small good deed can change someone life nad even a nation's history...

A Small Seed

What is the Kingdom according to u?

Today as my day started with the devotional time, verses on the Bible suddenly seems get a new meaning for me.

Luke 13:18-21

Jesus asked, "What is the kingdom of GOD like?"

"It is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his garden. It grew and became a tree, and the birds of the air perched in its branches."

To me, a seed is my faith. Though it is small in the beginning, but I believe when GOD had planted it on the garden of a new life in HIM, no matter what happen then someday somehow if I keep my faith and ask GOD to cultivate it by HIS grace...then I believe I can be a 'tree' that brings life and blessings to many birds (I think birds are wondering souls that long for the truth).

We often think that to make miracles happen in our life we have to have a faith that is bigger than the mountains. But through this passage GOD made me realize the essential truth : No matter how big or how small is ur faith, GOD can turn ur faith into something that somehow can be blessings to others. Though u may think that ur condition is impossible and u stuck in the things that annoy u, believe and keep this truth :

the Kingdom of GOD is a small seed that GOD planted in ur heart, and somehow, someday the seed will turn into a tree that can bless others.

the hidden enemies

Today, as I went home after finished my day I rode a bus and sat in the back. First, I didn't notice that beside me sat a little girl with shabby clothes and her sister. Yes, they are street kids that probably had performed their 'show' in order to get some nickles in that bus. I looked at them. The younger sister is crying because her sister said something cruel and pinched her sometimes. I want to cheer up the little one and give something to them to stopped the quarrell, but they are so serious that I didn't dare to interupt them.

As I silently stared at them, I noticed that the older girl is kinda cruel to her sister. I knew that she might be hard and tough and not leting her sister to become spoiled because of her environment. Her tough and rude environment had turned her to became a tough and unspoiled little girl, while many little girls in her age probably still playing freely and can be spoiled to their parents. Deep inside my heart, I cried for this unjust condition. I knew that this child and her sister had rights to act like their friends in the same age. To freely play and live their life.

But again my mind think of their friends that are more lucky. I think of my students that I teach everyday. They had chances to have education, but some of them live as they didn't appreciate the chances that they have. Many people in this world lucky enough to have the life that aren't so hard and tough as these girls' life, but they didn't appreciate it. They just going around like there is no future for them, though there are so many chances that they had.

I cried for these girls. But I got angry too because the devil had worked so hard to destroy the life of many people that are bound by drugs, pornography, diseases, and poverty. It may sounds cliche, but I knew that there are the hidden enemies that disguise in poverty, drugs, pornography and diseases. And I begin to questioning myself again:

"What are you doing to stop them?"

and again :

"Will you let GOD to use your vision to destroy them?
Or you just want all the comfort only for urself?"

And I choose to let go my comfort and do something to stop them.

Little deeds like teaching well to get rid of poverty in the mind of my students.

Whiskey Bottle

Today as I sit down in the bus station waiting for a bus to pick me up to my office, I read my Bible. Hmm, it's been quite a long time since the last time I read this NIV Bible. Well, I just checked it and a verse pop out to my mind.

Mark 2:22
"No one pours new wine into old wineskins. If he does, the wine will burst the skins, and both the wine and the wineskins will be ruined. No, he pours new wine into new wineskins."

In my heart, I knew that this simple truth : You can't put all the blessings and the abundance of GOD's kingdom in your unchanged and rusty heart. The 'wine' should be placed on new vessel, that is a renewed heart.

I can't understand the true meaning of GOD's kingdom if I keep my old sinful mind. I can't get more blessings if I keep my heart the same as if I never been repented. If I want more blessings (any kind of blessings), I should look, think and act the way GOD's want me to be.

I think we can call the wineskins into whiskey bottle just like this one. I think GOD doesn't mind if I call the modern wineskins as 'whiskey bottle'.

So, are you still and old dusty whiskey tin? Or a new one?
I prefer the new one like the pic above. Shining and practical. Hehehehehee.....

what is a heart made for?

A heart is a fragile substance, it can easily be torn or cut to thousands pieces. It can be as rotten as a potato that being kept for months. But it can be cold and as hard as steel, tough and unmoveable.

Why I'm writing this down? Why I'm wasting my time to write about things that seem unimportant like this? That's because I fear my heart would into a potato heart that rotten as time swallow it. Otherwise I fear that my heart would turn into a cold and hard steel that can't feel anything.

These days I keep thinking about things that happened around me. A new environment that I entered, a career that quite different from the one that I want, things that I learned from people that I met, and...a decision to let go someone that began to enter my life because we so different in many ways. Things that I doubted whether I should cherish or regret...
They had turned my heart somehow, but will I let them make it soften or become harder? Will I find the true meaning of the things that I face? Only my heart knows the answer.

All I can say is LOVE can make a difference in my heart, but will I find my true love???

incomplete happiness...

This thought came to my mind when the first week of August passed. I am approaching the new stage of my life. Suddenly, I was faced with a new choice whether to take a chance or let it gone forever. Doubting whether this choice will make me happy or let me feel miserable forever. I finally decided it.

Happiness to me seems so blur these days. I don't know whatelse I should do or what way should I take. Just like following what happened behind me. But I felt a part of me is missing it's destiny. It seems like my happiness is incomplete for a reason.

I still wonder do I made the right choice? Or should I wait for another chance to come to me?
I don't know what to do. I just like leting myself follow where the winds carry me.
I said this prayer silently in the midst of all things going through my mind :

LORD, I know I haven't fully fulfilled my destiny.
I even don't know where this road will lead me.
But all I know is I will do whatever lies in front of me
And stop hoping for the things that still fly ahead in my vision.
Though my happiness isn't full because my soul longs to fulfill my vision,
I know that somehow, this road will lead me to it...

I know, somehow, somewhere that a missing part of myself

will find its way to happiness...

Turn Point

As the snow fall on the earth...

So does hope fall on every human hearts that believe...

What is self acceptance according to u?

This question came unto my mind these days.

Is it just accepting who and what u are without questioning whether u can change ur future or just follow where life will take u?

Can u accept urself if u can just live an ordinary life without significance and things that make u superior?

How is it like to wake up every morning and realize that u can do nothing to change ur life?

Well, I'm still looking for the answers for those questions that I asked myself. But maybe I can just give opinion that I believe true about this matter, and how is my point of view related to this.

Recently a sight of a street vendor that already running his own food business around my neighboirhood caught my attention. Lets just call him Wawan.

Wawan has been selling siomay (a kind of delicious food) for about 18 years in my neighborhood, and well, maybe people don't care how long he have been doing this business. But how if u replace his position? How if u wake up one day and realize that u can do nothing beside selling siomay to get some money for ur living? What are u going to do with the rest of ur life?

This fact made me realized that there is something in everyone's life that can change his/her future. Probably that's a decision that change his/her life forever, probably it is something that happen and he/she doesn't have any choice and have to take that.

But can I say it is a turn point?

A turn point is something that can make u choose an option that will change ur life forever.

Some people realized their own turn point because it was clearly shown, but some people missed their turn point just because they can't see it. But surely as snow fallen on earth or as sure as the sun sink in the west, someone had his/her own turn point.

Some may realized their own turn point since early childhood like, "I have to study hard so that my life will change."

Or some that think, "Ah, slow down, there so plenty of times to study, don't be too eager."

Well, not all people that acted like the first category get success, and not all the secondary category end up with a mess in their life. But again, what make it just a matter of turn point.

The question is : Will u recognize ur turn point and react correctly to it by making good choice?

Again I continue the previous quote that I made myself:

As long as u believe, there is enough hope to guide ur way

and know ur turning point

Executive Member of The Kingdom

Today a preacher from US came to my church and preached there. Some of you might knew about him, his name is John C. Maxwell. He preached a good sermon, about how to get miracles in Biblical ways. But what I wanna say now isn't the sermon that he preached. No, this is quite different.

What I wanna to say hit me when I passed the lounge where he rested for the next service after preaching. As I walk down the aisle, I noticed many of church ministers were gathered in front of thje lounge, some even managed to got into the lounge and talked to him.
Well, as a matter of fact, I kinda jealous about their privilege to joined John C. Maxwell and can talked to him directly (since he's one of my fave author and I had collected and read almost all of his books). And I begin speak in my heart, "GOD, I wish I can be one of those 'executive' church members that can interact with the preacher closely."

But the truth of GOD came into my mind and HE said, "My girl, there is no executive member in My kingdom, because everyone is special and I treat them the same. Only humans that make those differences. Don't look at human's social differences, because it will make you lose heart."

ZAP! That truth hit me like a sudden blow. I used to wish that I can get his (John C. Maxwell) signature on my Bible or a miracle happen then he gives me a ticket to his free seminar at Mulia Hotel that worth IDR 1.000.000,-
BUT that truth make me realize that it doesn't matter if I can't have his signature or attend the 1 million rupiahs-seminar. What really matter is that whether I have GOD signature on my heart, that's it. That's the truth I got today.

Well, if GOD signature can be read by everyone, probably it will say like this :

MELISSA
CEO KINGDOM OF GOD

coz I am special, just like every believers in the world!! YEAH!!

I keep praising YOU

"O God, You are my God;
Early will I seek You;
My soul thirsts for You;
My flesh longs for You
In a dry and thirsty land
Where there is no water.
So I have looked for You in the sanctuary,
To see Your power and Your glory.


Because Your lovingkindness is better than life,
My lips shall praise You.
Thus I will bless You while I live;
I will lift up my hands in Your name.
My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness,
And my mouth shall praise You with joyful lips."
(Psalm 63:1-5)

Though I can see no progress now, I won't be dissapointed.
And my mouth shall praise YOU, GOD.
Though I'm not chosen, I will keep on going to cherished my life...

F. R. U. S. T. A. T. E. D

Cramped and surrounded by grumpy people all around, after a lifting day before seems unberable to me...
All the sorrow and hectic conditions make me sick and tired. I'm not dissapointed, I choose not to be dissapointed while others flying high and I stuck in the mud of frustation and unchanging conditions.
I choose not to feed my ego and put myself on the lowest level of acceptance.
The road seems crampy and sturdy, but I know that there must be the end of all of these. Coz u can't hide a diamond in the mud without see the thing glowing perfectly...

Safe in Your Hands

I had fly thousands miles away,

My wings had been torn by the wind and storms,

I had so many dissapointments and I'm weary

I can't continue this journey no more...

Suddenly a hand stretched out to me,

Provide me a place to stay and rest

Now it's my choice to take that arm or abandon it forever

My mind confused, I don't want to be hurted again.

And there I fly, in the midst of confusion and fear

I wait the hand that I think will dissapear slowly

But I'm wrong, the hand is still there

Waiting for me

Tears are running on my face

For the first time in my life,

There is Someone that cares for me

There's a hand that shield me

I fly and safely land on that hand

And rest there till the storms are gone

Withered Soul

I don't know how I felt anymore these days...
Seems like a withered flowers that approaching its end in the autumn
Though it's summer and full of joy, there are things u can't change.
Things that only time can answer and all you can do it to wait upon it.
I am still waiting for it, because I can't move anywhere...
GOD help me because not only my spirit that begin to withers, but also my soul...

No light shine and the soul slowly withers....

The Long Road

The road seems will take forever...
I don't know what is the future like now
Could anyone tell me?
Because my dreams and visions slowly fade away

I cry in my solitude and despair,

Without noone see and hear me.

The road is quiet, noone there to walk with me

Not even a breeze blow or a tender rush of wind

Justice vs Sight

A Faith that Sees Far More than This Time...

Could you tell me what is that?
Because I'm alone and blind,
Hurted and hopeless,
Help me...

Blessed are they that don't see and believe,
But isn't it more blessed they that see and believe?
Is the justice aren't synchronize with the sight?
Tell me, GOD

Find my Way

"Can u show me the way to the tree?"

"What tree?"

"Tree of life"

"Well..., I can't"

"Why?"

"Because I heard that the road is curvy and perverse, it also scary"

"Really? All I know that the road is straight and narrow, and the light of GOD will always direct you"

"I can't see it though, I'm afraid if I get lost"

"Well, I will try to find it, though I might be lost, but I believe that I'll find the way"

One Step...

Gee, I think I can do much this day. But all I can do is done something simple.

No, I'm not writing my next novel or accomplishing something spectacular.

All I done today is...writing an application letter and send it. Just it (besides writing my blog and... chat with... ;) u know who)

So, I thought this is my first step toward real awakening.

Hhhh, finally I can breathe the air of hope again....

Walk The Path

Today I made up my mind to begin walk again with GOD.

I had lost my track in the few days ago, but now I'd found it again.

The road maybe hard to travel and full of dangers, but I know HE'll ease my pain and carry me through the hardest parts of the journey.

After all He's my Daddy and I'm HIS little daughter.

Hope rises as a new day begin...

As this dull day begin, I believe GOD will shine HIS face upon me.
And today, He remind me that HE had given HIS promises and words.

And those shall not prevail, whatever circumstances that I face.

Dryland

It's been a week since this thing happen to me. Seems no door opened for me and all I can see is a dry and cold land without someone there, including GOD. I admitted that HE's been absent in my life for a week, or let say, I have been absent from HIS presence.


LORD, You seems so far away,
A million miles or more it feels today
No, I haven't lost my faith
I must confess right now
That it's hard for me to pray
But I don't know what to say
And I don't know where to start
But as You give the grace
With all is in my heart

I will sing
I will pray
Even in my darkest night
Through the sorrow and the pain
I will sing
I will praise
Lift my hands to honor You
Because Your word is true
I will sing

LORD it's hard for me to see all the thoughts and plans You have for me
But I will put my trust in You
Knowing that You have died to set me free
But I don't know what to say
And I don't know where to start
But as You give the grace
With all is in my heart

That song renew my faith this day. Knowing that I'm precious to HIM and though I can't see and understand HIS plan these days, I should keep trusting HIM.

sea of tranquility

Don't know what to do now. Lost in the midst of tranquility and problems. No one to depend on. Just walk alone in the crowds.
Sad but noone cares....
Am I crying?

above

What is the life above?
That question came unto my mind these very days. I've read a book by Franklin Graham, the son of Billy Graham, that said Living Above The Borders.
It is one of my favorites book ever, I remember that I had to fought hard (saved my money) to buy that book, and it worth it. I got a lot of blessings from that book.
And u know what? I think I had to do the same these days.
Fought hard to do something that I like.
Though my sky is dark and my future full of dark clouds, I remember one thing :

THERE IS A LIFE ABOVE ALL BORDERS

forgotten...

Sometimes I felt my life like an abandoned hut, slowly ruin without noone cares.
Do YOU forget me GOD? I am sorry if I said that, but that's why I felt.
While my friends' life seem boosting and reach success, I still stay here and do nothing.
Maybe YOU care more on my friends better than me, I'm sorry again if I say that, but that's what all I can see.
Again a closed door, just like the closed doors I once had. Nothing change. Seems like if there's a door opened or easily opened in my life, well, that's I call a miracle. Something that rarely happen in my life. Not like the others that easily blessed or get opportunities, no, my road seems bumpy and dry.

Had YOU forgotten me, GOD? I knew YOU won't. But where are YOUR ways?
I can't see them...

Dormant Dreams

I don't know what's wrong with my life, it seems that many dreams remain dormant. I wake up this morning and face the reality that my life ain't going anywhere.
Many things that I planned and ideas that I invented stay there without any progress whatsoever. I ask GOD, why a dream that looks so perfect (in my opinion) had to waited for years before it will come true?
Why....?

I felt like a ripe dandelion that ready to blown away by the wind, but there's no wind will blow it.
Though I'm ready to face all kinds of situations in the future, it seems that there is no chance for me to step ahead.

GOD, if u want me to go and be Your ambassador, please, show me a way!
Coz I can't live without YOU and out of Your track.

Kingdom Attitude

What is a kingdom attitude?
Well, as far as I know, it is an attitude that you show when you are a member of a kingdom.
For me, I admit that I haven't get used to act or behave like a kingdom member. Though through the ancient story that my father used to told me, I was in fact a princess from an ancient tribe, the Batak tribe.

Sounds funny and impossible, but my dad is a king's son because my grandpa is one of the Batak kings. So, I can be considered a princess, right?
Anyhow, talking about kingdoms and kingdom's manner, I reflect more on what my today Bible reading told me :

Me as a daughter of GOD, the King of all kings, sometimes doen't reflect my Daddy's Kingdom attitude. I don't act or behave like a true princess of Heavenly Kingdom.
But after this day, I realize that I am a princess of heavenly Kingdom and I should act as the member of the royal court. So, I'll do my best and be the best princess that my Heavenly Daddy ever had.


1 Sam 15:10-23

What's Ur Fave Worship Style?

Every week, Christians from all over the world gathered in churches, worshipping GOD and read Bibles and hear some preachings.
But what I considered important in a sermon is worship session.
I knew about many style of worships, since I ever experience many kind of denominations.
But a truth revealed to me is sometimes rarely to be recognized by most people.


WORSHIP IS FINDING WHAT GOD'S LIKE, NOT WHAT DID YOU LIKE!

Ephesians 5:15-21

before 30

Today I realized that I only have 9 years left before my age reach 30.
Then after that I was considered an middle aged adult. What so exciting about living before 30?

Well, for me, hehehe, I planned to get settle (or begin to get settle) at 30.
Settle means that I will have a family and a home and I will be a successful woman where GOD calling me to be.That doesn't mean that I will spend my life just for my family and do nothing than taking care of my family, no, I mean, at that time, I believe I enter a new phase of my life as a woman. ^_^

Anyhow, GOD made me knew about this fact : that most human only live in painful years and their lives are short and dull. So, what I am going to do with my life now? Am I going to spend it in my vain and my own self ego? Or I will dare to follow GOD wherever HE leads me to?

I choose to follow GOD with all my heart and life.

HOW ABOUT YOU???


Genesis 47 : 1-10

SleepY HeaD!

Hoaahhhmmm.....

Yawn....

It's morning now but I can't help myself get out of this cozy bed

Hoaaahhhmmm....

I think my eyes can't be open this morning.

Maybe I need to sleep more, just few more minutes, is it okay GOD?

Yawn...

zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz

zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz zzz

"HEY!!!! WAKE UP YOU SLEEPY HEAD!!!

I'm going to wash your blankets and bedcover, now get out of your bed!"

Yikes! I jump out from my bed and stand. Thanks GOD that's not JESUS yelling at me, but it was Mom.

I wake up and realize that I almost sleep for 12 hours! Gee!

I said a quick prayer and go to bathroom. While bathing, I think about it again :

HOW IF GOD YELLING AT YOU AND SAY THAT YOU ARE TOO LAZY TO DO SOMETHING, WHILE HE HAD PLANNED SO MANY GREAT THINGS TO DO?

So, today I promise myself that I will do great things while I can and won't stop no matter what happens.

PLUS : I will not sleep too much. Keep this on ur record, Lord.

Do Ur Part

What is this chipmunk doin'?
I think he's praying before eating the cooking that he had cooked.
Why I'm concluding this? Because he wear the cook's hat that assures me he had cooked his meal, not buying it at restaurant or even McD!
This simple pic reminds me of something, that GOD want us to do our part while we're praying. HE doesn't us to sit on our nice sofa while HE works like a servant for us. HE want us to do things together with him.

"ORA ET LABORA"
or
"Pray as you Work"

2 Kings 20:1-7

It Takes Time

Sometimes life's circumstances made me feel despair. Things seems pushing me so hard that I could hardly breathe. I made mistakes and hurt myself and others. I could hardly feel GOD's presence. But today scripture reading made me realize something that most of us forget.

If we ask for forgiveness from GOD and from human for all wrong things we made, we will be forgiven (especially by GOD, human? sometimes they do forgive, but some others don't). But sometimes, it takes time to heal the wounded heart and the broken relationship that caused by those mistakes.

I recently made mistakes and hurt someone. He forgave me, but our relationship seems so awkward from that time (I felt this, though he says nothing changed).
It takes time to heal a wound, but I knew GOD make us going through this process because HE wants us to learn that nothing comes instant.

So does transformation, it doesn't come instant. But by process.

Jeremiah 33:1-9

"I will heal them and reveal to them the abundance of peace and truth." (Jeremiah 33:6)

Lost My Way

Ever feel lost in a midst of crowd?
That's what happen to me lately
It seems that my ways turn upside down
And everyone make me feel bad about myself
I need a Redeemer!
I need a Peacemaker!
I need a Great Counselor!
I need a Savior...
I need JESUS CHRIST!

My heart

The most precious gift I ever got is Salvation.
Though sometimes I forget how precious it is.
Salvation is the only gift that exist even though time will end. GOD doesn't require me to pay for that. But HE only want me to give HIM my very best - my heart...

Eph 2:4-10

Future...

I often ask GOD if I can have a bigger faith like a famous man/woman of GOD or involve in great ministries someday. Sounds great? I think so.
Sometimes, I envy how GOD can use someone so greatly though he's just an ordinary man.
And these days I envy of everyone that seems having everything in their life easily. Such as people who get blessings easily, without striving hard to get them. Or people that don't have to do hard things to maintain their faith. Seems that they can easily get them and GOD bless them so much, but not me!
I felt that GOD wants me to shed tears everytime I need something, it seems that in my life I'm not so lucky as those people.

I knew, that jealousy is bad. But my old mind think that way.
But, today GOD said something to me:

It's not everyone is having that is important, but what I gave you that is important!!

So, then my mind changed and I can said to GOD :

LORD, what do you want me to do?

So, now I'm not focusing on what everyone have in their life. I knew that to obey GOD is the focus of my life. No matter happen in the future. I will say :

I will GOD

Change

Wish...

GOD, I admitted that sometimes I just wish something happen in my life without any real actions to make it come true. I just wish that GOD will do something wonderful and I can relax on my comfort bench.

My favorite author, C.S. Lewis, once said, "If GOD had granted all the silly prayers I've made in my life, where should I be now?"
Those words punch my mind so hard that I knew that many times I wish stupid wishes without realizing that may hurt someone. And these days, my prayers become really dry, full of wish lists, without wanting LORD himself.

Forgive me Daddy, and I want to love YOU more through prayers.

Matthew 6:5-15

Falling Free into...

Sometimes the idea of jumping off to the air without any parachute or whatsoever come to my mind..., but of course I'm not planning any suicide acts! No, I'll jump if there is an assurance that something down will catch me safely, whatever it is.

These days I felt the same, jumping off to the unclear future because I had start a new kind of relationship with someone that is so far away from me. We don't know what the future will be like...

But I knew that GOD want us to learn something new and wonderful through it.

HE reminds me that falling free to HIS hands are the best thing that assure me to going through life. Because HE had strecthed out HIS arms to catch me whenever...

Deuteronomy 33:27