Walk on Water OR Drowned?

I wake up and jumped out of my bed this morning, not because I have to prepare myself to go for the interview and the fact that I'm overslept. But because I remember one thing : my friend will face a surgery at 10 A.M. this morning and I haven't call her to support her.

I called her to her cellphone, but I thought she had turned it off. I bet she's on the way to the hospital. A bit of a guilty feeling because I'm not being a good friend that called her to say a prayer, or at least something that encouraging her to face this situation bravely, suddenly hit me. I just pray for her shortly after that.

Then a friend of mine SMS me and said that she will go to her hometown tomorrow. I'm so shocked because I haven't had any chance to visit her since she gave me a shocking news about her pregnancy! (this because she hasn't get married with her boyfriend). I was very concerned about her situation and again I felt guilty because I didn't have any chance to visit her since two weeks ago.

And what's more? I have an interview at a famous International NGO at 10 A.M. and still, I haven't prepare well for the interview. I just read few articles about the nutrition field that I had left for months, suddenly I didn't feel that I am a true nutritionist...

All the way to the NGO's office that located in Blok M, I didn't read my papers again. I even can't read my Bible as I usually do in the bus. The thoughts of my friends surrounded my mind and I felt sorry that I can't be a good friend to them. I just pray along the way that they will be all right.

Then I have to canceled my plan to stay in another town, Bogor, in my old friend's house because untill now I haven't decide what I should do in this kind of situation.
I called some old friends about a lodging to stay overnight, but I didn't have assurance. So, I just chat with them though I used my bro's cellphone. Sadly some of my friends had laid back from the LORD in many ways. And because of that I felt sorry for being too ignorant and selfish for all these times.

It seems that this day is a day that will determine my life and the life that people around me. It just like I'm walking alone in the sea of uncertainty and the water had already covered half of my body. I'm feeling cold, I'm afraid, and the sea seems so threatening, but yet, I have to go on and try to walk on water, no matter what lies before me.

But will I make it? Will I walk on water? Or will I drown in this sea?

Red Lights

I got a red light again this time. A way had been closed this morning when my friend told me that my project in translating a semi-scientific book was rejected by her boss.
I was kinda shocked about the news, coz I want it badly, at least this is what I think to get involved in media-related activities, the thing that I always long for, a glimpse of my vision and calling....

And here I am, with the rejected project (though I had sleepless for two days to did that), and a blank vision.
Stressed with the coming exams in school and piles of tasks to do. I can do nothing and just keep wondering why it seems all the road that I want to walk to fulfill my vision seems closed. Am I in the right track?

Why there always red light that I meet these days?
Where are the green lights?

Looks like I began to questioning GOD again this time....

show me the future GOD....!

It's been four days since this disturbing cough and terrible throat infection started. I can hardly sleep well, and I lost my voice, though it's getting better soon.
Anyhow, I had tried so many kinds of medicines, from the modern one to the ancient recipe but still this didn't help me so much to stop this cough.
And well, another thing burdened me, a pile of work to do, I have to make about 450 questions for the upcoming mid semester test for the nine classes that I teach and yet another job offer come to me to be an editor for a publisher.
I don't know where the road will lead me. But I'm curious as new things begin to happen in my life. Though I'm still not feel that this place is where I should be at this moment, and many times I'm questioning GOD about what the future hold for me and why HE gave me a vision that so different from my condition right now. Sometimes I believe that HE wants me to believe and just follow HIM though I can't see the road clearly. These days GOD reminded me that HE never too slow to fulfill HIS promises.
Besides all of that things that disturbing my mind lately, somehow deep in my heart I still want to hear a simple and true 'Get Well Soon' from a heart that truly cares for me. And I'm back again in my corner of solitude here in this school where no one cares enough to chat with me...

Alone in the Storm

The storm is above my head, I'm exhausted, tired and lost...
Still don't know what to do
It feels like the time is stop inside me
I cry alone in this desert, cry for help
But no one hear me in the midst of all these confusion

Where will this road lead me?
Why I have to face this rocky road all my life?
I'm cold and alone
Seems losing all the light that once lighten my ways

Am I a castaway?
Shall I wonder all my life through?
Tell me the truth, no more bullshit, no more lies
Plain truth is all that I want...
I don't care what will it cost me

Angry, alone, sad and dissapointed I run
Run away to the clouds, but they slowly dissapear
Run to the sun and it burnt me
Run to the wind but it neglect me
And I run to you but you abandoned me...

Where should I go then, Elohim?
Why You seem like forsaken me?
I sit in silence...

Which Way I Should Fly?

Here I am,
In the middle of intersection again...
If I should leave, then I will, but will I make it?
If I should stay, I will, but do I have the strength to preserve it?

I have no strength, confused, bored and tired.
I wanna get out from all of these, I wanna hide, I wanna run...
Sometimes I wanna take the easy road, not the road that less traveled
But my life had always bring me to a road that less traveled
Roads that hard and tough to be conquered
Roads that make me shed my tears and get hurt
And I keep wondering why I always get the hard way,
While many people walk the easy way

I'm alone again in the solemn blue sky,
Confused where I should fly
There's no one here to guide me
And I just stare the sky to ask for guidance.

Others had fly their own ways,
While I'm flying here without direction
And just wait for the Redemeer to show me the way
How long I can go on flying?
I don't know...only the Redemeer know it
I know He'll show me the way
Coz I believe in HIM