Fight for your love

I’m going to fight for your love. There are some things in life that are worth fighting for to the end. You are worth it.

quotes from “By the river Piedra I sat down and wept”

Such a touching quote, yet I am confused now to whom I should say that...since I have nobody to love now :P

How are you?

"Well, I'm good, or I can say...mostly good..."

I replied when I was asked by my friends. Smiling kindly and think that the world is just fine.

But did they really asked about it truthfully from their heart?

But if I was asked "How are you really?"

For some reasons, I think if I answered, I will cry in the room, and totally surprised myself because I thought I was just fine. Those tears were about a lot of things.

I'm here...thousands miles away from the people that I love and who loved me back...

I'm here, alone...with bunch of task and some IDR 500 millions to spend within a month and lots of unending tasks, meetings and conflicts to finish...

Here I am with no one to love and loved me back...

I began to feel weary and tired of my job, my life and my circumstances

Recently, another door opened, only it's not the way I want it to be. Previously, a window to another continent opened, and I believed that God will open the door too...But He's not...

Honestly, I feel guilty when I get to a place where I better understand God's plan or what He's calling me to do and it hasn't fully come into being yet.

I've done a lot of waiting over the last five years. And what God has gently revealed to me is this, if my heart is open and I'm saying "yes" to what He asks me to do each day then I am here where I supposed to be.

It may not make sense. It may seem small. It may sounds silly. But sometimes God just has made me stay. -- I got these thoughts after reading a Christian devotional blog--

I've done my part God, I had travel this far and now there're two ways that lay in front of me...And I asked God to choose it for me, not myself....as I had promised myself not to have no desire to fulfill my ego for life. I promised myself to be tough, no matter how rough the road I'm travelling now...and if He takes me to the path of solitude, I'm ready though no one travel with me...

And I say, "God, I am here and waiting. Turn the pages as you will. And with all I am, all I have, I will go with you."

One more year huh?

Gees, it's August now, and one more year ('few' more months to be exact) to stay here...and make difference....

I wish time can go faster, and probably I can see which path should I take next year...whether next year my dream to study will finally come true, or should I take another path?

And I'm wondering in times like these, when I had lost a chance to travel abroad and pursue my dreams....do I dare to dream and hope again?

I admitted that I had no other dream than to get that scholarship, after all, I'm pretty sure at that time I'm one of the best candidate to get it. I've been admitted to the best univ in Europe for food and nutrition subjects.

And I prayed to God that He might not answered my other wishes like having a really good career and high salaries, or finally found my soulmate....I'd risk all the things that I had in my life and just ask that request : to get Master degree scholarship in one of the best university in the world.

But He answered "NO", not this year probably.....

And here I am, with another year to spend in Alor, I've sign my extension for another year. But, I had another offer, a big one, that my friend offered for me months ago. That means going to another island, another provinces and bigger salary with tougher issues to work with the government. They still wait for my answer though....

To be honest, I'm confused, I'm in the intersection where I am standing and staring blankly at the roads ahead. Should I stay for another year that probably will broaden my chance to get the scholarship that requires me to stay loyal for two years in an institution?

Or should I move and get other adventures in Borneo and the job that finally pay for my mom's health expense and my apartment installments? While prob, this will limiting my chance to get

that scholarship since this is from a profit consultant company...

And is it God's answer to my ignorance to find my true love by meeting him, the one that I never think to love or even admire in the least place that I'll seek my candidate, days after I was announced to be not eligible for this year scholarship?

Yet, we're stay apart for months with very limited chance to meet. No FB, no YM, no Tweets, nothing whatsoever that can make me connected to him again. And prob, I'll just erase him after months just like I erase other men that have no further connection to me from my mind. But, again, I don't know what the future held for me and him.....

And I'm back to where I start

These past few weeks really made me thinking about my life again... What is my purpose and goals of this year...what I'm gonna do for the rest of the year...and about my feelings that has been turned upside down by some people....

Yes, life has been shifting quite fast for me, traveling from an island to others, working on many huge subjects like baseline and reviewing project plannings and indicators, meeting so many new people and new offer for my career made me haven't got time to rethinking them all over...
But what matters the most is that I can't help myself to feel sorry that I lost so many relationship with my friends nowadays...
When I called them, either they had families (hubby and children) to taking care of, or they are too busy with their life that are so much different from the life I'm living on, so that they don't understand the subjects I'm talking about...Sadly but true, I had 'lost' so many real connection these past few years due to my nomad and isolated work places...
And coming back to city life during these past few weeks isn't so easy. Yes, life in cities made you think you can get it all. Far more comfortable than living in villages and islands...Plus, u can meet many people or 'potential' ones - like my parents always say when they talk about finding a spouse for me. Haha, like I never look for that one all of these times...?
But, what made me uneasy to enjoy life in cities as well as in remote areas where I often work is....the absence of people I knew. Even amidst of the crowd that I met in cities, restaurants or malls... I felt lonely...they all seem having friends or spouse to shared a table, shared a meal or shared the fun...but not me...I'm alone....
Whether I'm eating at popular Vietnamnese restaurant, or crowded Thai restaurant or romantic Italian restaurant, I feel the same, lonely..... when nobody I knew around... The feeling is worse when I'm in the crowd, shopping or even pampering myself at spa or salon weren't help me to ease the pain of being alone...
Now, I knew the feeling of lonely people that probably decide to end their life because of the loneliness.... and it made me shiver....

It took me days to get up from the lonely and miserable feeling to what I am before...despite the people that I cared for had their new life with their spouses. And the person that I began to hope for had decided to get lost from my life without any further reason why he did that...
Despite all the sadness and obstacles my family is now facing, I'm trying to stand firm on my feet again.
I had lost my grasps on everything I cared for, trying to let them go...and continuing my life. I began to set the goals for this year, began to preparing the job that I was longing for although probably I had to leave so many dear things and friends behind, or even planning to get a scholarship and made my dreams of going abroad by myself coming true this year....
Yes, so many things to dream on and start working rather than feeling sorry for myself and continue to questioning myself "Did I do something wrong to him?"

Well, I thanked God that HE had given me a chance to met u, but I knew that probably we're not meant to be together.... I just hope that we both will find those special persons somehow... and until that time arrive I'm only becoming myself, the one that God created so special and back to where I start....His heart...

Tired of this game

Yes, I'm tired....I'm tired of the game of love....
What's inside men head for became the pursuer then suddenly without any notice, they think that nothing happened between us lately. Ha! How about long hours of talkin on the phone, chatting on the web and getting along so much that gals began to think that there are so many things they have in common and wondering are this one is the right one? (or perhaps the slightly closer to Mr.Perfect)

I know, if something made you lose ur feeling to someone is normal, but not because this gal said one that that discouraged you or joking to harsh, or saying the truth about herself that is not suitable to your criteria (for Godsake!), then you don't have rights to dump her just like that, without even noticing her or said why did u do that to her. For me, it's better to say it clearly to that gal what made you discouraged or lose ur feeling towards her, rather than slowly dump her and treat her as nothing happened between u both.

Sick, I'm tired of this drama, why don't people be true to themselves and to others. Just said it, nothin to hide though.

Just a simple note based on me and my friends exp :P

Shiftings

There so many things happened during the last days of 2009, and the beginning of 2010...Broken relationship with my friend that used to be good, but because of minor misunderstanding she now hates me and never want to see me again...And what I hope for God to show me HIS will and plans for the coming new year, seemed so dull...
A new year with days of uncertainty and challenges open it's pages wide in front of me....
The sadness and regrets because I didn't visit Yosua (a sponsored child from ADP Alor) during his treatment at the hospital on Christmas and New Year, made me regreted it since he passed away on Tuesday, a day after I arrived in Alor again....
The disappointment continued when I heard from a friend in NO, that I'm not the chosen one to be the coordinator of a special project in Jakarta. I lost the position for a person that are more experienced. I must admitted that I am disappointed, since I hope so much to be near to my mom. She's as usual won't tell me about her sickness again, though I had forced her to check her health to the hospital...I'm afraid when I heard her saying on Christmas eve, "I want to go with you to Jerusalem next Christmas, so don't go anywhere far from me."

God, I need strength to understand these....and I'm confused what should I do next...
Please lead me through these hard times.