These past few weeks really made me thinking about my life again... What is my purpose and goals of this year...what I'm gonna do for the rest of the year...and about my feelings that has been turned upside down by some people....Yes, life has been shifting quite fast for me, traveling from an island to others, working on many huge subjects like baseline and reviewing project plannings and indicators, meeting so many new people and new offer for my career made me haven't got time to rethinking them all over...
But what matters the most is that I can't help myself to feel sorry that I lost so many relationship with my friends nowadays...
When I called them, either they had families (hubby and children) to taking care of, or they are too busy with their life that are so much different from the life I'm living on, so that they don't understand the subjects I'm talking about...Sadly but true, I had 'lost' so many real connection these past few years due to my nomad and isolated work places...
And coming back to city life during these past few weeks isn't so easy. Yes, life in cities made you think you can get it all. Far more comfortable than living in villages and islands...Plus, u can meet many people or 'potential' ones - like my parents always say when they talk about finding a spouse for me. Haha, like I never look for that one all of these times...?
But, what made me uneasy to enjoy life in cities as well as in remote areas where I often work is....the absence of people I knew. Even amidst of the crowd that I met in cities, restaurants or malls... I felt lonely...they all seem having friends or spouse to shared a table, shared a meal or shared the fun...but not me...I'm alone....
Whether I'm eating at popular Vietnamnese restaurant, or crowded Thai restaurant or romantic Italian restaurant, I feel the same, lonely..... when nobody I knew around... The feeling is worse when I'm in the crowd, shopping or even pampering myself at spa or salon weren't help me to ease the pain of being alone...
Now, I knew the feeling of lonely people that probably decide to end their life because of the loneliness.... and it made me shiver....
It took me days to get up from the lonely and miserable feeling to what I am before...despite the people that I cared for had their new life with their spouses. And the person that I began to hope for had decided to get lost from my life without any further reason why he did that...
Despite all the sadness and obstacles my family is now facing, I'm trying to stand firm on my feet again.
I had lost my grasps on everything I cared for, trying to let them go...and continuing my life. I began to set the goals for this year, began to preparing the job that I was longing for although probably I had to leave so many dear things and friends behind, or even planning to get a scholarship and made my dreams of going abroad by myself coming true this year....
Yes, so many things to dream on and start working rather than feeling sorry for myself and continue to questioning myself "Did I do something wrong to him?"
Well, I thanked God that HE had given me a chance to met u, but I knew that probably we're not meant to be together.... I just hope that we both will find those special persons somehow... and until that time arrive I'm only becoming myself, the one that God created so special and back to where I start....His heart...
