How are you?

"Well, I'm good, or I can say...mostly good..."

I replied when I was asked by my friends. Smiling kindly and think that the world is just fine.

But did they really asked about it truthfully from their heart?

But if I was asked "How are you really?"

For some reasons, I think if I answered, I will cry in the room, and totally surprised myself because I thought I was just fine. Those tears were about a lot of things.

I'm here...thousands miles away from the people that I love and who loved me back...

I'm here, alone...with bunch of task and some IDR 500 millions to spend within a month and lots of unending tasks, meetings and conflicts to finish...

Here I am with no one to love and loved me back...

I began to feel weary and tired of my job, my life and my circumstances

Recently, another door opened, only it's not the way I want it to be. Previously, a window to another continent opened, and I believed that God will open the door too...But He's not...

Honestly, I feel guilty when I get to a place where I better understand God's plan or what He's calling me to do and it hasn't fully come into being yet.

I've done a lot of waiting over the last five years. And what God has gently revealed to me is this, if my heart is open and I'm saying "yes" to what He asks me to do each day then I am here where I supposed to be.

It may not make sense. It may seem small. It may sounds silly. But sometimes God just has made me stay. -- I got these thoughts after reading a Christian devotional blog--

I've done my part God, I had travel this far and now there're two ways that lay in front of me...And I asked God to choose it for me, not myself....as I had promised myself not to have no desire to fulfill my ego for life. I promised myself to be tough, no matter how rough the road I'm travelling now...and if He takes me to the path of solitude, I'm ready though no one travel with me...

And I say, "God, I am here and waiting. Turn the pages as you will. And with all I am, all I have, I will go with you."

One more year huh?

Gees, it's August now, and one more year ('few' more months to be exact) to stay here...and make difference....

I wish time can go faster, and probably I can see which path should I take next year...whether next year my dream to study will finally come true, or should I take another path?

And I'm wondering in times like these, when I had lost a chance to travel abroad and pursue my dreams....do I dare to dream and hope again?

I admitted that I had no other dream than to get that scholarship, after all, I'm pretty sure at that time I'm one of the best candidate to get it. I've been admitted to the best univ in Europe for food and nutrition subjects.

And I prayed to God that He might not answered my other wishes like having a really good career and high salaries, or finally found my soulmate....I'd risk all the things that I had in my life and just ask that request : to get Master degree scholarship in one of the best university in the world.

But He answered "NO", not this year probably.....

And here I am, with another year to spend in Alor, I've sign my extension for another year. But, I had another offer, a big one, that my friend offered for me months ago. That means going to another island, another provinces and bigger salary with tougher issues to work with the government. They still wait for my answer though....

To be honest, I'm confused, I'm in the intersection where I am standing and staring blankly at the roads ahead. Should I stay for another year that probably will broaden my chance to get the scholarship that requires me to stay loyal for two years in an institution?

Or should I move and get other adventures in Borneo and the job that finally pay for my mom's health expense and my apartment installments? While prob, this will limiting my chance to get

that scholarship since this is from a profit consultant company...

And is it God's answer to my ignorance to find my true love by meeting him, the one that I never think to love or even admire in the least place that I'll seek my candidate, days after I was announced to be not eligible for this year scholarship?

Yet, we're stay apart for months with very limited chance to meet. No FB, no YM, no Tweets, nothing whatsoever that can make me connected to him again. And prob, I'll just erase him after months just like I erase other men that have no further connection to me from my mind. But, again, I don't know what the future held for me and him.....