These few months had made me thinking of who am I going to be in the next phase of my life. During the last few months especially, many things happened. Things that somehow tested my personality and faith beyond the limits, things that made me thinking about God and His people in different ways.
I used to be a person with a strong purpose/will, there're many things being decided by logic and experiences. And when things happened outside my expectation, I analysed things carefully and quickly thought of things that made this unsuccessful, correcting people and situation with my utmost ability. But I'm not perfectionist, so when there are things and condition that I can't avoid or fix, I usually draw back like a phlegmatic person will do. And at that time, although my heart hurt, I will wrap it carefully and make sure that I'll survive by myself by tolerating the pain, thus increasing my endurance to feel any pain. Even now, the funny thing about being tough is, whenever I feel the pain due to any wound/scars either by accident (fell of motorbike, bicycle or, just simply cut myself when handling knife); I felt it minutes later after I felt there's a warm liquid flow from the wound/cuts. And sometimes it doesn't hurt so bad, while people probably will wails due to the wound...Odd huh?
Being hurt and dissapointed by people many times, I grew my independence of sometimes not too hope much on people. While I can do it myself, I'll do it, rather than asking people to do it for me. And examining people deeply made me became wiser on analyzing the situation and conflicts. Wisdom sometimes misunderstood by people as being too judging or slow to react. While for me, wisdom is based on thorough and careful thinking and lots of facts analyses and asking for God's guidance at most. Though I'm not perfect in making decisions sometimes, but when I rely on God's guidance, sometimes even the craziest thing to do will become the most wise thing I made.
Also, some people criticize me about being 'too blatantly' speaking my ideas or critics, especially regarding my ideas on job matters. They ask me to be nicer/kinder in speaking to people. While I thought that these people must be never speak professionally in front of public who criticize their works before. I've learnt that sometimes it's better to ignore them since they don't know what I'm doing.
Being nicer or kinder isn't always good, you tend to compromised for things that you should've change for better instead became a people-pleaser. I agree on being polite in sounding your ideas, but if the person or organization that always do the same mistakes again and again, I would say they need something to rebuke them from the wrongdoings. And not many people want to be everyone's enemy or the left wing party due to the truth, they prefer sit back and just enjoy the show while there are flaws and mistakes that actually can be prevented or eliminated.
I'm surely hate to be left behind or to be considered as the 'rebel', but if that's for the better sake of the purpose I'm working for people I serve, I'd rather be a guerrilla rather than be a nice smiling religious lady who don't do anything when she saw the injustice lay in front of her. But I knew people make mistakes, they are not perfect, and sometimes it needs time for them too to gain bravery to rebuke things...So, all I can do is be kind and patient to them...like Jesus does.
But my journey to became wiser and kinder face another obstacles... it is love. Will I believe in love again after so many hurts? Will I began to believe that there's someone out there that still believe in love regarding the race, ethnicity, family background or social status or any thing that considered unimportant? Just unconditional love based on the same vision in life, the same passion that God had put in our hearts, and the willingness to sacrifice and accept others just the way we are without seeing the difference between us?
I'm ready now, ready to love...after became wiser and never lose hope, after series of waking up from the terrible sadness and dissapointments, after became braver to speak what is in my mind, and kind enough to understand people's flaws... It is love that I want to believe in...
I love this quote of Rumi about love:
“The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along.” - Rumi
