A Year Passed

LOL, I just realize that this is the last day in 2009, shoot! Hehehe, a year passed so quickly, I even hardly can recall my memories this year.

Anyway, just want to say :

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Will you?

A question had been nagging my mind lately, a simple one that I had answered years ago. Only then, I have always regret it and wondering, "How if I answered differently?"
It came again, "What if you do if you find that right person now? Will you let go of all your dream?"

Years ago, I answered "No, I won't" and have to saw him walk away from my life.

And now, with all those wedding invitations came to me, and the questions of marriage (that sounds like advices and even orders from my fam and relatives), and the worse part of having to see cute babies and infants cared by their mothers --damn, I can't avoid them since they're the target of my job here, mother and child health-- yes, I begin to wonder again....

This time, I can't help myself worrying about how if they both came at the same time? The love of my life and the chance to fulfill my dream/my destiny? Would I let go one of them, and regret it just the way I did? If I said yes few years ago, then maybe it wouldn't be the same...
Today, it's just happened to be like any other day, I just busy with my job and routines, didn't realize that time goes by...and then I saw a pic that remind me of that question. And the alternative choice to just flow like a river and forget the dreams of finding a true person.

In case, I said no for the second time to a man that probably the one-- that I don't know when I'll meet-- will I regret it again? And will I survive to continue my life and living my job in humanitarian issues until I grew old and felt content of who I am?

Is it a bad news or a gift?

Today, when I assist the trainers and trainee of lactation counselors field practices... I found a shocking news concluded by one of the trainers. They suspect that one of my staff daughter is considered to have a down syndrome, this was concluded after they saw the process when the mother try to breastfeed the baby.
I had been suspicious about this also, when I saw the baby about a month ago, when she just few days old, because she's seem different from her sister and parents, moreover the baby is apathy towards the impulses created by her mother.

Gosh! I wish I could detect it earlier, but at that time I'm unsure and busy with many things so that I didn't really put it into my mind that it will lead to this serious birth defect.
Moreover, I knew the father of the child, he's one of the most responsible and cooperative staff that I ever work with, and I knew this family is a godly family that believe and practices the love of God.
The child father is now traveling for training sent by our office, and I'm not sure whether I can manage to say the precautions and the suspicion that we as trainers see in his baby. God, I wish I'm not the one that have to say the bad news....
But darn! I'm his supervisor though...and I'm the only health person that know better of this problem rather than the rest of people in my office.

God, is this a bad news? Or it's a gift that you sent to this family? I wish it turns out to be the best for Your will to be done....

The Agony

I don't want to...
Sleep and wake up realizing those just dreams..
Travel and go around....finding that you're nowhere to be found...
Hoping and wishing to discover that you're finally can't fulfill them...

But I keep....
Sleep and dreaming about you....wake up and wishing you're here to greet me every morning...
Travel and go around...wishing that somehow your spirit be with me everywhere I go...
Hoping and wishing you finally stay with me and fulfilling all my heart desires...

I wish, oh I can only wish...this time I'll find the way...
Though I'm staying in the wilderness...in the desert...with no one speaking to me
I wish...I can find my way back to you

Staring at the night sky in August...

I wake up in the middle of the night these few days, not thinking of anything for certain reason...but there are something in my heart that pounding it. I said to myself, do not waste your time thinking of the past and the things that seems impossible. You're a strong woman, you can make it without him...

And I lied again, it seems like that I care not to love again. Care not to look for someone that I can cared for...but I can't --


You're gone now, and all I can do, is just wishing that it is you....the one that my soul looking for...it is truly you, that my heart longing for....


Again, I felt the sudden emptyness when you're gone this time, just like when you leave me sometime ago...the pain when I can't see you around, just when I began to know you more...
But probably it's too late, just like every other stories in the past, when I found that I was a fool to let my love to go away, or too naive to trust in the love that's empty, or every now and then when I love the wrong person...
But, today, I felt that somehow that might be you....I hope that our previous meeting is a time when history began to wave it's endless threads of destiny between you and me... The threads that I wish can make a beautiful pattern in the rainbow in the sky that we stay under together....

I said a little prayer, thinking of you that probably in the other side of the world or probably stay near to me now. Pray that God will lead me to the end of the rainbow where you wait there and wait for me...


"Again, I'm sitting here, all alone again, without you that never seems so close to me...
I look at the stars, I spread my arms to the open sea and sky...and fly again, just like the lonely Cygnus in the midst of billions of stars"

I almost forget...

These few days, though my workload seem burdens me so much, I got surprising re-connections with some old friends and well, some ex-lovers... hehehehe...
They somehow contact me, mostly using SMS or chats, and some even called me directly to my cell. And I suddenly realized...that whenever I work in remote areas, I often find myself to have limited connection with my old friends. I spent most of my time to work and get limited social life here, no meeting people outside my work circumstances and of course no romance life whatsoever....

I must admit, I miss those moments of hanging out with my friends an buddies, and I miss the thrilling moments to love and to be loved back...the happiness when a person says to me, "I miss u and I love you the way you are..."
Am I going to find that person?

I'm still wandering and wondering though...

"Should we run...?"

"Should we run...?"
Seems like the soft south wind blow it to my ear
And I stand still, in the mist of the sea of grass and dandelions, wandering...
Somewhere, someone had asked me this before...

As I gaze upon the blue sky
The sun embraced me with warm sunlight
Again, I feel that feeling....that you are here...only, I'm not sure that you ever exist...
Half of me lost...between memories and the visions...

It's hard, harder than I ever imagine
To keep you in my mind, while the facts seem just like illusions
While the longings still linger in my heart
To be with you and know you more...

And I started to run...freely...with no direction
Just following where the wind blows
Hoping that it leads me to you
I run and run again....became lighter in every steps
And suddenly, I feel you near me...
Your hands holding mine and we run together...

When I stop because I'm catching my breath,
I feel your arms around me and holding me tight from behind
Whispering, "Now, we've run together, I'll never let you run alone again..."

A Vietnamese Culinary Experience

2 weeks ago, my friends and me decided to have some culinary experiences by trying some Vietnamese restaurant. The first try is Cali Deli, in Jalan Surabaya, Menteng, Jakarta. We rode our bicycles to the restaurant and park our them near the trees in the parking lot. At the first sight, the restaurant seemed so green and cozy, with beautiful lights from the bulbs lightened the park lot and the place every where. Moreover the greeneries from the plants and some air vapor created some mist that surprisingly refreshing. It feels like we’re not in the sideway of a busy road at all. Like we dine in a natural view restaurant that u can only found in Bogor or outside Jakarta.

My choices for that dinner were Turkey Sandwich (in Vietnam, they called these kind of sandwiches Bánh mì) and Vietnamese Ice Coffee, and my friend tried Lemongrass Chicken Sandwich and some juice. The food finally appeared and they seem so tasty, so I grab my sandwiches that had been cut into 3 nice part and munch it. Hmm…it’s so delicious! I like the crunchy bread, the unique yet tasty turkey and the vegetables (carrot, lettuce and some cucumber plus onion) that cut into small matchstick size, and also the smoked turkey meat that sliced into thin layers. We ate the sandwiches, my friend tried mine and vice versa. (unfortunately, I didn't bring my camera at that time, but this Bánh mì picture very alike with the ones we had)

The lemongrass chicken sandwiches are also delicious. I like the unique flavor of the marinated chicken. About the ice coffee, I like it, since it’s not too sweet as the usual coffee mix, but kinda had a strong flavor but yet enjoyable.

On Sunday, after the evening service, my friends and me went to a Mr.Pho 2000. It’s a Vietnamese restaurant located in Senayan City mall 5^th Floor. My friends ordered the Vietnamese spicy noodles that looks like Japanese ramen, and me, as usual, ordered the chicken sandwich. In hope that I get the same delicious experience like the one I had with Cali Deli’s Vietnamese sandwiches. For drink, I tried Salted Buzz, interested to taste this sounds unique drink.

The drink came in first. First, it taste very much like Sprite, they just add 2 piece of sliced lime and some yellowish fruits in the bottom that I thought must be apricot or mango. But I was wrong, the yellowish fruit had a salty taste like the ‘asinan’ (sautéed fruit) called ‘amoy’. I often get amoy (the name of the Chinese sautéed fruit) when I was in my childhood, and this yellowish fruit very much like amoy.

Then the food came….My sandwiches are not as delicious as the ones I had in Cali Deli. The stir-fried chicken as the stuffing is ok, but the French loaf/bread that they use aren’t crunchy and taste like ordinary bread. They provided a cup of oil with vinegar, but it doesn’t really add to the taste. I’m pretty much disappointed with the taste actually, because compared to the price, it don't satisfying at all. But well, it’s a culinary experience though. You never know what u’ll get.. ;)

I'm afraid

Finally, after so many doubts I had chosen in the past, I decided to take that offer...
Much more, this decision will lead me to the most uneasy and difficult places that most big NGOs had think it's impossible to work there. So far from my dream to work in Sumba, the place that is so much nearer to Bali.

And now, I'm afraid....
I'm afraid that I had taken the wrong decision based on desperation...
I'm afraid to go to that place and leave everything behind me...
I'm afraid I can't be myself there... and things only lead me to other dissapointments...
And I'm afraid to be the leader there, to be the one that responsible for all the things done by my staff...

I'm sad....
I'm sad because this mean I had to leave the urban life...
I'm sad because this mean another year (or probably years) spent in the wilderness, with noone will take care of my spiritual growth...
I'm sad because deep in my heart, I hope I can life ordinary girl's dreams...
To find a true love and build a family... so easy that my friends had doing it for years now....


God, I wish I can erase these negative thoughts and saya : "Be it unto me according to Your words. According to your promises, I can stand secure...."
If anyone read this, can u leave me a message, an encouragement perhaps? I really appreciate it if u did...

Shifting Life?

A week passed and some interesting things happened, but none were special though. The same feelings that make me wondering why my life moves so slowly these few months while others seem like shifting so fast like lights.

After that clarification letter from that UN Agency came again by post, that reminds me of the failed plans to go back to Aceh again. I felt like I'm shifting between times without knowing what to do and how I should feel. Just living my life that seems endless, hehehe....

To end the week, I got a 'different' offer from a distinguished institution here in Jakarta that call me for an interview for the position that I never think of it before. Sounds weird to my humanitarian background, but again, rather than just sitting here and see others' life changing fastly, all I can do is see where this will lead me and follow it. After three years and life just bring me to where I start before....education. Sounds weird right? I'm shifting back to where I used to be...only this time, I don't really know is this the pace that I always wanted....

Another Star Faded Away...

And another star faded away from my life...
The hope that I cling to for days and months is now gone,
And I'm here, again in the desert... alone...wondering...
Will another bright star shine upon this desert?

Love's Divine

These few days had made me wondering. Yes, I'm again in the blues of my mood, somehow because this irritating cough, and probably for other reasons...include the memories from the past and the hopes for tomorrow...

I knew I'm in the brink of believing and not believing. Sometimes I want to believe things are going smoothly as they should be, but other times I can't help myself to doubt whether there is an end of these series of (un)fortunate events. I want to start a new life (and love), but sometimes when things are not going smoothly to what I expected (mind me, I'm a planner person), I became numb...and lose my hope. Even, I don't want to hope too much in fear of getting hurt again with too much expectation.

Life is hard recently for some others, and I knew the classic phrase : Everyone has their own battle, do not envy others. But believe me, when u're in my complex situation, all I can do is .....sadly...nothing. When I began to lose my hope for everything, this song reminds me of what I truly need : love.
Yes, divine love from above that can made me remember who I am truly. Though this is not a Christian song, but somehow this song make me remembering Him, the only one that can give this divine love to help me find the real me inspite of all the turmoils...He is God, Lord Jesus.

Love's Divine - sung by Seal

Then the rainstorm came, over me
And I felt my spirit break
I had lost all of my, belief you see
And realize my mistake
But time through a prayer, to me
And all around me, it came still

I need love, loves divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, loves is what I need to help me know my name

Through the rainstorm came, sanctuary
And I felt my spirit fly
I had felt, all of my, reality
I realize what it takes

'Cause I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, loves is what I need to help me know my name

Oh I, don't bet (don't bet), don't bet (don't bet)
Show me how to live a promise me you won't forsake
'Cause love can help me know my name

Well I try to say there's nothing wrong
But inside felt that all in all
But the message here was plain to see
Believe:

'Cause I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, loves is what I need to help me know my name

Oh I, don't bet (don't bet), don't bet (don't bet)
Show me how to live a promise me you won't forsake
'Cause love can help me know my name

Love can help me know my name.