Merry Christmas everybody

I just want to say :

M E R R Y C H R I S T M A S

and

HAPPY NEW YEAR

to all my friends, readers, etc....

May GOD bless us all!

hurts

These days I felt like I'm losing myself...
I lost myself because I had knew the answer from that person...
I'm glad because I finally can be brave to be honest to my own feeling, but I can't help myself from wanting that this is not true, and things didn't happen the way they were.
It's hurt though, and sometimes I felt blank, no feeling and no hurt, but sometimes simple accidents that hurt me (like bumping into something hard or cut myself) remind me of the hurts, and the lost dreams.

Can I get up and continue my life? Can I dream another dream? Can I felt my heart again?
I look at the distant sky, I knew my life should go on, I had to dream another dream... but I can't maybe I can, but this heart is fragile.
And I ask myself, is it easier to hate than to love?
Will time heal me just like in the past time? Because my feelings are deeper and my hurts are real, the first and deepest affection that I felt towards someone. Not just like, but truly love him whatever he does and whoever he is.
Maybe I look stronger and I can say : "I could fix my heart on my own" but the truth is I can't.
I'm weak, I am hurt and I'm blank....

A month ahead

Maybe I don't want to end this journey...
Maybe the future makes me worry a lot...
Maybe the uncertainty blur my mind...
And maybe my feelings for you shed tears on my cheek...

A month is what I have now...
I know the end of this journey is near
I can't do anything to change it
Nor can I plan my own path ahead

Maybe our journey will end here too
As you left me here and start a new journey somewhere
I soon leave this place and start a new one
And soon we will be busy walking by our own

That's what frighten me most...
To start a journey without you by my side
To fully walk alone to a new place
To find myself realize that you won't be there for me...

I know maybe you'll never think about me
Maybe I'm just a part of your past
A past that soon you will forget,
A past that I'm afraid you will try to forget...

Thinking about it make me feel lost
What if we won't meet again?
What if my feeling for you is true?
What if you won't realize it?

Tender Heart

I love to listen to "Tender Heart" by Lionel Richie these days. Maybe it kinda described what feelings did I had nowadays...

Sometimes, I just wanna scream to that person ..........

Love so far away...

I like this poem...


How can someone love me,
from so far away.
Making me feel needed,
in such a loving and special way.
~~
Knowin' you're here with me,
as I think of you.
You're such a part of me,
in everything I do.
~~
You rolled into my life,
just like the oceans tide.
You hold me in my dreams,
pushing all fears aside.

We sleep under the same sky,
the stars are our blanket at night.
Wanting to be with you,
to love and hold ya' tight.
~~
I will always look to the sky above,
each night and day.
For the one that loves me,
from so far away.

And I miss u so....

Is this considered porn pic?

Freed your mind, and freed your spirit
Are the ways to better understanding...

Words above don't come from a famous figure like Einstein or Shakespeare, they are just words that came into my mind lately.
Maybe after read some arguments in the mailing list that I joined about how we should act towards the term pornography and how this nation began to divided into two sides, the pros and the cons, I came to a sense of understanding that sometimes small things that to someone looks unimportant, can be a threat to others.

Maybe for me, posing like I did in the pic above seems okay and don't trigger something in others minds. But to others, maybe that pose looks odd and 'maybe' can made people think about something. Well, as a matter of fact, that what happened lately in this nation.
Some people that think every kinds of porno-related-stuff, including women that wear sexy (this term of sexy can be differ to many people) and full-pressed-body clothes, had to be forbidden to show off in the public places and else because they might become a cause of criminal actions like rape and other sexual related criminalities.

And some people think it's ok to wear sexy clothes because it's the right of the women to show off her beauty (include her body that considered as a subject of art expression). So they against the new law draft that considered wearing sexy clothes in public places is a form of criminality that can trigger a rape.
Well, for me, I still watch how the shows go on, though I didn't support pornography and related stuff. But, I also don't agree if I have to be arrested if I wear sexy clothes (that what I think sexy, but maybe to others it wasn't sexy at all).
So the conclusion is : STILL HAVE NO COMMENT.... ;P
But I will freed my mind and spirit to learn things that right and just to understand better about how things work.

BTW, do I look sexy and can raise lust when I pose like in the pic above?
If so, please tell me, because maybe I can consider other pose (that didn't guarantee also if I made another erotic pose - LOL) ^_^

Take it slow...

Take it slow, take it slow, this time we take it slow....

That was John Legend sang in his song, "Ordinary People"
I just keep thinking how my life seems flying so fast these days. What happened yesterday and last week seem like happened last year.
So does my relation with someone. He seems so close one time, and the other time he seems so far away. I don't know what make us like this, but sometimes, I just wanna say to him that I miss the old times when we're close and share our problems, thoughts and feelings.
Like wanting to sit with him in a place like the picture above, talking all day and sharing things that kept inside my heart and his. Be free to tell others whatever things without fearing that someone might get hurt or changed. Just talking and let things flow like river between us...

Indeed, it's been a long long time since I had a time to sit and share with somebody....
I miss those times...

Bad Words

I don't know why, these days seem like I swore a lot about someone. He had said many things that made me angry and when I looked at him and whatever related to him, I got really upset and said bad words in my heart. I know this is not good at all. But I can't stop it, really hate him.
Please pray for me that I should forgive him. Help me...

I'm Married...(later maybe?)

I'm married today! (Ups! I'm joking.... ;P)
My best friend, Roma, was married today with her boyfriend, Rully.
They finally united in holy marriage now...

Well, I kinda felt touched when they said the promises in front of the altar, and of course before GOD. It made me think that how time had changed us and well, now one of my best friends isn't single anymore. She's bound in a marriage now.
Besides me sat Ester and her boyfriend and also Tao and her boyfriend also. Well, I'm the only happy single there sat among my friends that already got boyfriends. And these weeks I heard so many news about many of my old friends in college already married or will get married next year, not to mention two of my cousins that already married this year and two again will follow the next year. It's seems like all the relatives eyes, especially my aunts, are directed toward me and my status for being single.
Well, who are they to force me to quickly find the right guy and marry him?
Whatever they will say and whatever things they will do to persuade me or my mom to 'press' me on marriage matters, I don't care! I just want to live my life to the full.
Period.

Natalan bo!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
SELAMAT NATAL!!!
FELIZ NAVIDAD!!
JOYEOUX NOEL!!!

Pokoknye semua bahasa yang gue tau deh...
Gw cuma mau ngucapin semuanya dan kali aja orang yang mampir ke situs gw bakalan ngeliat dan ngerti artinya postingan gw kali ini.

Ok, sebelumnya gw minta maaf karena gw jarang mosting lagi akhir2 ini. Abisan terlalu banyak jadwal yang harus gw jalanin menjelang akhir tahun ini. Baik itu di Kefa en di Jakarta. Gw harap di tahun depan gw bisa lebih rajin posting di blog gw tercinta ini.
Ok deh, GOD bless u all!

White Forest and Loneliness

It's strange how a threatening situation can made u think about death...

Yesterday, when I was on a trip back to Kefa after stayed for a night in another base in Naikliu, there's something happened and made me ever think about death.
It was a late departure from Naikliu, we supposed to leave before 9 A.M because the driver told me that the weather will become worse and the path in the mountains will be difficult to climb. But there so many things that undone by the staff in Naikliu, including the report and other things that we supposed to bring into Kefa office.
So, we went off late at 11 A.M.

First, the weather was very sunny and nice, I even took some pics while we drove off home. But then when we reached the mountains, it began to rain.

We tried to climb the hills slowly, but the rain had turned the ground into mud and soft soil, so it was hard. So, the driver stopped the car and picked up some stones to weighed down the truck. At that time we're in the middle of 'White Forest' because all the trees' trunk in that forest are white (they are Cajuputi tree that can be made into some essential oil).

While I stayed in the truck and the driver picked up the stones, a thought of death came into my mind.
How if we can't get out from this forest? How if we try and the truck accidentally rolled off and fell to the valleys? How if my parents know that their daughter accidentally killed in a truck accident in a remote place? Will my friends cry when they know that I'm dead in here?
And will he cries when he know that I was killed in an accident?

These thoughts came into my mind because at the second climb, the truck stuck in the mud again and the rain became harder. The driver told me that we should back or else stuck in the forest all night. It was a very frightening situation. We haven't got our lunch and it was getting late, soon it will be dark.
I sat silently in the truck and heard the birds singing beautifully, and the sounds of a small stream calming my mind. The rain keep pourin down and made me think about the people that I left in Jakarta. I even think about what clothes will I wear in my coffin. I felt alone and it was a bad way to die, to die alone in the middle of nowhere, I mean.

"Hey! I'm not gonna die here!" I said to myself. "What for GOD sent me from miles away just to die here? That's stupid Mel!"

But when we try again the truck is still stuck in the same track, so, we have to come down from the mountain and back to the nearest village. If we keep on moving, there's another threat, a lack of gasoline, we probably stuck in another wilderness without any gasoline.

Thank GOD, when we came to the village leader's house, they agree to help us. So two of them climbed up to the back of the truck and ride with us to the mountains. Then we spent about two hours in helping the truck to get away from holes, and soft soil. When we succeeded in overcame a track, there still so many tracks that left ahead. I finally got down from the truck and helped them dig the soil in the side road by using the shovel. Man, that was the first time I did that.

After two hours struggled in the mountains, we finally can escaped from those threats. But there so many miles left before we reached Kefa. And it was 6 P.M. We drove through the dark villages and forest, and almost stuck in another forest. After passed 35 rivers and streams, and 145 km, we finally reached Kefa. I'm so glad because we had made it back to this town.
Though it cost us 12 hours (from 10.30 A.M to 10.30 P.M), and lots of energy and many pain (my back is still in trouble now). We finally here, though I don't very much like this town, but when I see civilization, I think that's enough for me now.

And well, those thoughts of death had been wiped away from me...

The Road Less Travelled

One fine afternoon by the sea...
I sat on a rock after travelled with my friend's sister throughout the day browsing Kupang. Then she brought me to this beach. After a hard time walked on sharp rock along the beach, even the sand isn't soft, we found a big rock and decide to climb over it.
Though it's hard and so many times we both grumble because of the hard rock, we finally realize that it's worth it. We saw a very beautiful scenery above it.

Well, sometimes, we live like this too, we often grumble about the sharp rock that we had to step on when we walk along life's road. And so many times, we just want to stop and then realize that the sand where we stand isn't better either. But when we finally reach the top, our goal, purpose, etc, we always amazed about the things we found there and forget our troubles and sorrow.

Maybe these times when I felt that I am alone here, and the road that I walk is the road that less travelled by many people, especially girls. I keep in my mind that whatever will happen ahead, I know that something great and beautiful will wait for me there.

A Glass of Comfort

A glass of cold water is all that I want now....

Maybe because its been so hot in here and there is no refrigerator in my rent house and office. Or maybe because I've been missing all the comfort that I used to have in Jakarta?

Oh yeah, I know it's so different from Jakarta with all it's comfort.
In Jakarta, I can get any kind of juice that I want, any books that I want to read and a glass of cold water don't matter too much for me. Here? Even too find a glass of clean, cold and pure water with no particles dissolved in it, is very hard to do.

And one of my colleagues said to me : Remember, you have to stay here for a year ahead. Yes, it's true. I remember it so much. But everything seems run slowly here.
I've been here for a week, but it seems that it had been a year. I still can't figure it out about how I should do my job and it seems so hard to be the smallest and the youngest staff in here.
I'm alone. I'm the only 22 years old unmarried female here, while most of my colleagues are male and married. It seems like I'm a teenage with all the big-city-stuff that I used everyday (clothes, language, and style). And sometimes, I felt desolated.

But I remember a quote: "An eagle flies alone"
And that quote seems strengthening me here. I know that an eagle is a noble bird that is tough and can survive the storm. Yet, it flies alone....
I'm all alone here, alone without all the comfort zone and protection from spiritual leader in church, alone without all the things that made me comfortable in Jakarta.

But an eagle should flies alone. Coz the storm is coming my way. God, I wish that I could manage to fly, eventhough I should fly alone...
I just hope that there are people out there that pray for me, people that remember that I'm still their friends, eventhough I never contact them again because of many things...
Coz I had left my comfort nest, and my glass of comfort to fly alone in a deserted land...

I'm wondering what my life would be next?

After a long and tiring flight from Jakarta (it took about 5 hours), I finally arrive in Kupang. And I had to 'fight' with some passangers to get my bags from the pick up part in airport. Gee, can u imagine that I had to pick those two bags that weighed around 35 kilograms by myself. Thank GOD everything is undercontrol. Then outside the airport, I met the Project leader and his staff that already waited for me.

I thought we're gonna stay in Kupang for a nigt (at least I thought they will let me stay in here), but I'm wrong. We had to arrive in Kefa tonight. So after a not so delicious meal at a local restaurant, we drove as quickly as possible to Kefa.
Man, it was a very fast and quite not comfortable trip for me. I had to hold on to cold wind that blows through the opened windows (they did this because they were smoking inside the car). I hate smokers, but I can do nothing to stop them.

We arrived at a village and stop for a while, then we continue our journey to Kefa. I hardly can sleep because the wind blows very hard, but at least I fell asleep. Then they wake me up when we had reached Kefa. They brought me to the hotel and left me there. I washed my face and went to sleep quickly.

The sound of someone that knocked door wake me up the next morning. Gee it's almost 9 A.M. but I can hardly open my eyes. Then I wake up and saw that the CARE Staff that had came to picked me up. I told them to wait and rushed to take a bath.
Then hungrily, I went to the office and was introduced to many people in the office. Then all things went very boring, I can hardlly do anything there. Just sat all day and talked to few people. I went back to hotel and moved to another room (without AC and refrigerator, sigh).
Anyway, I read on my room till two of the staff picked me up and took me out for dinner at a local restaurant.
Then I was back at my room and fell asleep.

I still don't know what will happen to me next. I just found a nice housing where I rent a room, the lady and her husband are so friendly to me. They treat me so well. Then the next day I went to Bitefa where one of the TFC (Therapeutic Feeding Centre) is located. I went there with dr. Yohan and a nurse. Then they left me there for hours (till I get bored and fell asleep few times). I had talked to the nurses and nutrition aid and also to the mothers whose children are doing therapy there. And I had saw pigs scattered everywhere like cats in Jakarta. Maybe I'll post the pics later, because the pigs pics are so funny. One pig looks like a 'rocker pig' with blonde spiky hair. LOL.

Anyhow, so far, everything goes smoothly for me...hehehehehe

Tests Menace

These days I'm acting like a killer teacher in giving marks to the students. But I kinda stressed too about these matters because almost all of the students that I teach, got poor marks, just some of them that got good marks. Adding to this menace, I had to prepare so many things and do so many things before my departure to Kefa, NTT. So many things have to be prepared, yet, it looks like that my teacher friends aren't so happy if I leave them soon, especially the principal.

They talked about it secretly behind my back. I knew it from a friend that I trust. And this thing made me felt uneasy since few days ago they seem okay when they heard that I'm gonna leave them and work in another place.

Worse, the parents and teachers meeting that supposed to be on this Saturday was canceled and moved to next Saturday. I will resign on next Friday (21 October) but the meeting will be hold on Saturday (22 October). And on 22 October, I have to attend my friend's wedding party! I felt uneasy, even after one of my teacher friends said that I had to attend that meeting and be responsible to answer all those parents questions about their children achievement (regarding those poor marks!!).
I want to answer : "Hey, I'm not a teacher anymore in here on 22 October."
But I can't. I don't want to leave bad memories to the people that I will leave here. It's enough that I will leave them the 'failure' of a teacher-that-can't- make-the-students-get-good marks.
And the teacher that don't get along with them (the teachers).

It seems like these obstacles pop out from the people that I didn't expect before. They seem so Godly and holy (I felt like this because I NEVER attend teachers devotion every morning since the first day I became a teacher here). I won't like if someday, after I left, they will talk about my bad habits or problems that I left. I just want an easy resign, not more than that now.

I don't know to whom I should talk about this matter. It seems like I can trust no one here at this school, except one, my best friend here who is an English teacher just like me. But she don't know what to do too, and she didn't have any idea of how I should resign.

Right now, I don't know what to do. Can u give me a suggestion?

Just Close the Door!!!

I thought another door had been closed today as the end of my day at work approaching. Today was full of things that made me feel hectic.

Arriving at the school, I faced so many piles of papers that I have to correct. Though it's not my job because I only handle 3 subjects : English Awareness, English Language and Conversation.
And yesterday I had finished all the English Awareness papers test and today I planned to help my English teachers friends with their pile of works. Because it had been decided by all of us to help each other after one had finished his/her job.

And u know what? It's really absolutely dissapointing when I found that the people that had to do their own job (correcting the papers test) didn't show up somehow. Though they put their job on the desk without noone correcting them! I had do my best to help them, but it seems that they didn't even realize their own responsibility. Gee! With all of these, I'm not sure that they will help me to correct all the 8000 questions (from 8 English Language classes) that I teach on next Tuesday.

Can u imagine that?? 8000 questions in only 3 days before all those papers will be given back to the students!! And the next day after we'll give them to the students, there will be parents meeting in school and we have to face all the comments and critics from all the parents!

These things made me quite gloomy somehow. And I felt that I heard a closing door before me as the day ended. Cause I have been waiting for the news from the NGO that interviewed me last week, they said that at the latest, they will inform me on Friday if I am accepted.
And as I'm waiting for a bus to go home from my office, I begin to think, well I'm gonna start a new business somehow and I don't really care if a door to work in the NGO closed again. I'm not going to regret too long on this case and I have to move on...

But when I sat on the bus, my cellphone rang and I picked it up. It was from the HRD Manager of that NGO (CARE International). She informed me that I was accepted and I have to go next week to Kefa, NTT (Nusa Tenggara Timor) near East Timor to work there as a nutritionist.
I'm glad, but somehow I felt a bit hard to leave Jakarta, my family, my friends and things that I have here (the business that I'm going to start). But I ever prayed to GOD last week, that if HE wants me to go, then HE'll open the door for me. And if HE wants me to stay, then HE'll closed the door.

Though it sounds and feel hard for me to go there and stay for a year there, I felt everything will be allright.
Sounds funny but a little bit strange, because the last time I got assurance from GOD to go to Aceh, I heard a song from the Launchcast Radio Yahoo that said :

"Step by step YOU lead me and I'm going to follow YOUR way"

But today I listened to my MP3 player in my cellphone a song that said :

"Lead me I'll follow, whereever YOU lead me now"

I felt relax and calmed though this song is a RnB song. I don't know, maybe with my short mind I thought that GOD had closed another door in my life, while HE actually had opened it.
I remember few days ago I ever said angrily to GOD :

"Just close the door, GOD! Close all the doors and make me abandoned like Joseph! After all, I began to lose my hope upon everything....!!"

And I'm wrong this time, HE didn't close all the door,
coz HE know better than I.....

Walk on Water OR Drowned?

I wake up and jumped out of my bed this morning, not because I have to prepare myself to go for the interview and the fact that I'm overslept. But because I remember one thing : my friend will face a surgery at 10 A.M. this morning and I haven't call her to support her.

I called her to her cellphone, but I thought she had turned it off. I bet she's on the way to the hospital. A bit of a guilty feeling because I'm not being a good friend that called her to say a prayer, or at least something that encouraging her to face this situation bravely, suddenly hit me. I just pray for her shortly after that.

Then a friend of mine SMS me and said that she will go to her hometown tomorrow. I'm so shocked because I haven't had any chance to visit her since she gave me a shocking news about her pregnancy! (this because she hasn't get married with her boyfriend). I was very concerned about her situation and again I felt guilty because I didn't have any chance to visit her since two weeks ago.

And what's more? I have an interview at a famous International NGO at 10 A.M. and still, I haven't prepare well for the interview. I just read few articles about the nutrition field that I had left for months, suddenly I didn't feel that I am a true nutritionist...

All the way to the NGO's office that located in Blok M, I didn't read my papers again. I even can't read my Bible as I usually do in the bus. The thoughts of my friends surrounded my mind and I felt sorry that I can't be a good friend to them. I just pray along the way that they will be all right.

Then I have to canceled my plan to stay in another town, Bogor, in my old friend's house because untill now I haven't decide what I should do in this kind of situation.
I called some old friends about a lodging to stay overnight, but I didn't have assurance. So, I just chat with them though I used my bro's cellphone. Sadly some of my friends had laid back from the LORD in many ways. And because of that I felt sorry for being too ignorant and selfish for all these times.

It seems that this day is a day that will determine my life and the life that people around me. It just like I'm walking alone in the sea of uncertainty and the water had already covered half of my body. I'm feeling cold, I'm afraid, and the sea seems so threatening, but yet, I have to go on and try to walk on water, no matter what lies before me.

But will I make it? Will I walk on water? Or will I drown in this sea?

Red Lights

I got a red light again this time. A way had been closed this morning when my friend told me that my project in translating a semi-scientific book was rejected by her boss.
I was kinda shocked about the news, coz I want it badly, at least this is what I think to get involved in media-related activities, the thing that I always long for, a glimpse of my vision and calling....

And here I am, with the rejected project (though I had sleepless for two days to did that), and a blank vision.
Stressed with the coming exams in school and piles of tasks to do. I can do nothing and just keep wondering why it seems all the road that I want to walk to fulfill my vision seems closed. Am I in the right track?

Why there always red light that I meet these days?
Where are the green lights?

Looks like I began to questioning GOD again this time....

show me the future GOD....!

It's been four days since this disturbing cough and terrible throat infection started. I can hardly sleep well, and I lost my voice, though it's getting better soon.
Anyhow, I had tried so many kinds of medicines, from the modern one to the ancient recipe but still this didn't help me so much to stop this cough.
And well, another thing burdened me, a pile of work to do, I have to make about 450 questions for the upcoming mid semester test for the nine classes that I teach and yet another job offer come to me to be an editor for a publisher.
I don't know where the road will lead me. But I'm curious as new things begin to happen in my life. Though I'm still not feel that this place is where I should be at this moment, and many times I'm questioning GOD about what the future hold for me and why HE gave me a vision that so different from my condition right now. Sometimes I believe that HE wants me to believe and just follow HIM though I can't see the road clearly. These days GOD reminded me that HE never too slow to fulfill HIS promises.
Besides all of that things that disturbing my mind lately, somehow deep in my heart I still want to hear a simple and true 'Get Well Soon' from a heart that truly cares for me. And I'm back again in my corner of solitude here in this school where no one cares enough to chat with me...

Alone in the Storm

The storm is above my head, I'm exhausted, tired and lost...
Still don't know what to do
It feels like the time is stop inside me
I cry alone in this desert, cry for help
But no one hear me in the midst of all these confusion

Where will this road lead me?
Why I have to face this rocky road all my life?
I'm cold and alone
Seems losing all the light that once lighten my ways

Am I a castaway?
Shall I wonder all my life through?
Tell me the truth, no more bullshit, no more lies
Plain truth is all that I want...
I don't care what will it cost me

Angry, alone, sad and dissapointed I run
Run away to the clouds, but they slowly dissapear
Run to the sun and it burnt me
Run to the wind but it neglect me
And I run to you but you abandoned me...

Where should I go then, Elohim?
Why You seem like forsaken me?
I sit in silence...