How are you?

"Well, I'm good, or I can say...mostly good..."

I replied when I was asked by my friends. Smiling kindly and think that the world is just fine.

But did they really asked about it truthfully from their heart?

But if I was asked "How are you really?"

For some reasons, I think if I answered, I will cry in the room, and totally surprised myself because I thought I was just fine. Those tears were about a lot of things.

I'm here...thousands miles away from the people that I love and who loved me back...

I'm here, alone...with bunch of task and some IDR 500 millions to spend within a month and lots of unending tasks, meetings and conflicts to finish...

Here I am with no one to love and loved me back...

I began to feel weary and tired of my job, my life and my circumstances

Recently, another door opened, only it's not the way I want it to be. Previously, a window to another continent opened, and I believed that God will open the door too...But He's not...

Honestly, I feel guilty when I get to a place where I better understand God's plan or what He's calling me to do and it hasn't fully come into being yet.

I've done a lot of waiting over the last five years. And what God has gently revealed to me is this, if my heart is open and I'm saying "yes" to what He asks me to do each day then I am here where I supposed to be.

It may not make sense. It may seem small. It may sounds silly. But sometimes God just has made me stay. -- I got these thoughts after reading a Christian devotional blog--

I've done my part God, I had travel this far and now there're two ways that lay in front of me...And I asked God to choose it for me, not myself....as I had promised myself not to have no desire to fulfill my ego for life. I promised myself to be tough, no matter how rough the road I'm travelling now...and if He takes me to the path of solitude, I'm ready though no one travel with me...

And I say, "God, I am here and waiting. Turn the pages as you will. And with all I am, all I have, I will go with you."

One more year huh?

Gees, it's August now, and one more year ('few' more months to be exact) to stay here...and make difference....

I wish time can go faster, and probably I can see which path should I take next year...whether next year my dream to study will finally come true, or should I take another path?

And I'm wondering in times like these, when I had lost a chance to travel abroad and pursue my dreams....do I dare to dream and hope again?

I admitted that I had no other dream than to get that scholarship, after all, I'm pretty sure at that time I'm one of the best candidate to get it. I've been admitted to the best univ in Europe for food and nutrition subjects.

And I prayed to God that He might not answered my other wishes like having a really good career and high salaries, or finally found my soulmate....I'd risk all the things that I had in my life and just ask that request : to get Master degree scholarship in one of the best university in the world.

But He answered "NO", not this year probably.....

And here I am, with another year to spend in Alor, I've sign my extension for another year. But, I had another offer, a big one, that my friend offered for me months ago. That means going to another island, another provinces and bigger salary with tougher issues to work with the government. They still wait for my answer though....

To be honest, I'm confused, I'm in the intersection where I am standing and staring blankly at the roads ahead. Should I stay for another year that probably will broaden my chance to get the scholarship that requires me to stay loyal for two years in an institution?

Or should I move and get other adventures in Borneo and the job that finally pay for my mom's health expense and my apartment installments? While prob, this will limiting my chance to get

that scholarship since this is from a profit consultant company...

And is it God's answer to my ignorance to find my true love by meeting him, the one that I never think to love or even admire in the least place that I'll seek my candidate, days after I was announced to be not eligible for this year scholarship?

Yet, we're stay apart for months with very limited chance to meet. No FB, no YM, no Tweets, nothing whatsoever that can make me connected to him again. And prob, I'll just erase him after months just like I erase other men that have no further connection to me from my mind. But, again, I don't know what the future held for me and him.....

And I'm back to where I start

These past few weeks really made me thinking about my life again... What is my purpose and goals of this year...what I'm gonna do for the rest of the year...and about my feelings that has been turned upside down by some people....

Yes, life has been shifting quite fast for me, traveling from an island to others, working on many huge subjects like baseline and reviewing project plannings and indicators, meeting so many new people and new offer for my career made me haven't got time to rethinking them all over...
But what matters the most is that I can't help myself to feel sorry that I lost so many relationship with my friends nowadays...
When I called them, either they had families (hubby and children) to taking care of, or they are too busy with their life that are so much different from the life I'm living on, so that they don't understand the subjects I'm talking about...Sadly but true, I had 'lost' so many real connection these past few years due to my nomad and isolated work places...
And coming back to city life during these past few weeks isn't so easy. Yes, life in cities made you think you can get it all. Far more comfortable than living in villages and islands...Plus, u can meet many people or 'potential' ones - like my parents always say when they talk about finding a spouse for me. Haha, like I never look for that one all of these times...?
But, what made me uneasy to enjoy life in cities as well as in remote areas where I often work is....the absence of people I knew. Even amidst of the crowd that I met in cities, restaurants or malls... I felt lonely...they all seem having friends or spouse to shared a table, shared a meal or shared the fun...but not me...I'm alone....
Whether I'm eating at popular Vietnamnese restaurant, or crowded Thai restaurant or romantic Italian restaurant, I feel the same, lonely..... when nobody I knew around... The feeling is worse when I'm in the crowd, shopping or even pampering myself at spa or salon weren't help me to ease the pain of being alone...
Now, I knew the feeling of lonely people that probably decide to end their life because of the loneliness.... and it made me shiver....

It took me days to get up from the lonely and miserable feeling to what I am before...despite the people that I cared for had their new life with their spouses. And the person that I began to hope for had decided to get lost from my life without any further reason why he did that...
Despite all the sadness and obstacles my family is now facing, I'm trying to stand firm on my feet again.
I had lost my grasps on everything I cared for, trying to let them go...and continuing my life. I began to set the goals for this year, began to preparing the job that I was longing for although probably I had to leave so many dear things and friends behind, or even planning to get a scholarship and made my dreams of going abroad by myself coming true this year....
Yes, so many things to dream on and start working rather than feeling sorry for myself and continue to questioning myself "Did I do something wrong to him?"

Well, I thanked God that HE had given me a chance to met u, but I knew that probably we're not meant to be together.... I just hope that we both will find those special persons somehow... and until that time arrive I'm only becoming myself, the one that God created so special and back to where I start....His heart...

Tired of this game

Yes, I'm tired....I'm tired of the game of love....
What's inside men head for became the pursuer then suddenly without any notice, they think that nothing happened between us lately. Ha! How about long hours of talkin on the phone, chatting on the web and getting along so much that gals began to think that there are so many things they have in common and wondering are this one is the right one? (or perhaps the slightly closer to Mr.Perfect)

I know, if something made you lose ur feeling to someone is normal, but not because this gal said one that that discouraged you or joking to harsh, or saying the truth about herself that is not suitable to your criteria (for Godsake!), then you don't have rights to dump her just like that, without even noticing her or said why did u do that to her. For me, it's better to say it clearly to that gal what made you discouraged or lose ur feeling towards her, rather than slowly dump her and treat her as nothing happened between u both.

Sick, I'm tired of this drama, why don't people be true to themselves and to others. Just said it, nothin to hide though.

Just a simple note based on me and my friends exp :P

Shiftings

There so many things happened during the last days of 2009, and the beginning of 2010...Broken relationship with my friend that used to be good, but because of minor misunderstanding she now hates me and never want to see me again...And what I hope for God to show me HIS will and plans for the coming new year, seemed so dull...
A new year with days of uncertainty and challenges open it's pages wide in front of me....
The sadness and regrets because I didn't visit Yosua (a sponsored child from ADP Alor) during his treatment at the hospital on Christmas and New Year, made me regreted it since he passed away on Tuesday, a day after I arrived in Alor again....
The disappointment continued when I heard from a friend in NO, that I'm not the chosen one to be the coordinator of a special project in Jakarta. I lost the position for a person that are more experienced. I must admitted that I am disappointed, since I hope so much to be near to my mom. She's as usual won't tell me about her sickness again, though I had forced her to check her health to the hospital...I'm afraid when I heard her saying on Christmas eve, "I want to go with you to Jerusalem next Christmas, so don't go anywhere far from me."

God, I need strength to understand these....and I'm confused what should I do next...
Please lead me through these hard times.

A Year Passed

LOL, I just realize that this is the last day in 2009, shoot! Hehehe, a year passed so quickly, I even hardly can recall my memories this year.

Anyway, just want to say :

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Will you?

A question had been nagging my mind lately, a simple one that I had answered years ago. Only then, I have always regret it and wondering, "How if I answered differently?"
It came again, "What if you do if you find that right person now? Will you let go of all your dream?"

Years ago, I answered "No, I won't" and have to saw him walk away from my life.

And now, with all those wedding invitations came to me, and the questions of marriage (that sounds like advices and even orders from my fam and relatives), and the worse part of having to see cute babies and infants cared by their mothers --damn, I can't avoid them since they're the target of my job here, mother and child health-- yes, I begin to wonder again....

This time, I can't help myself worrying about how if they both came at the same time? The love of my life and the chance to fulfill my dream/my destiny? Would I let go one of them, and regret it just the way I did? If I said yes few years ago, then maybe it wouldn't be the same...
Today, it's just happened to be like any other day, I just busy with my job and routines, didn't realize that time goes by...and then I saw a pic that remind me of that question. And the alternative choice to just flow like a river and forget the dreams of finding a true person.

In case, I said no for the second time to a man that probably the one-- that I don't know when I'll meet-- will I regret it again? And will I survive to continue my life and living my job in humanitarian issues until I grew old and felt content of who I am?

Is it a bad news or a gift?

Today, when I assist the trainers and trainee of lactation counselors field practices... I found a shocking news concluded by one of the trainers. They suspect that one of my staff daughter is considered to have a down syndrome, this was concluded after they saw the process when the mother try to breastfeed the baby.
I had been suspicious about this also, when I saw the baby about a month ago, when she just few days old, because she's seem different from her sister and parents, moreover the baby is apathy towards the impulses created by her mother.

Gosh! I wish I could detect it earlier, but at that time I'm unsure and busy with many things so that I didn't really put it into my mind that it will lead to this serious birth defect.
Moreover, I knew the father of the child, he's one of the most responsible and cooperative staff that I ever work with, and I knew this family is a godly family that believe and practices the love of God.
The child father is now traveling for training sent by our office, and I'm not sure whether I can manage to say the precautions and the suspicion that we as trainers see in his baby. God, I wish I'm not the one that have to say the bad news....
But darn! I'm his supervisor though...and I'm the only health person that know better of this problem rather than the rest of people in my office.

God, is this a bad news? Or it's a gift that you sent to this family? I wish it turns out to be the best for Your will to be done....

The Agony

I don't want to...
Sleep and wake up realizing those just dreams..
Travel and go around....finding that you're nowhere to be found...
Hoping and wishing to discover that you're finally can't fulfill them...

But I keep....
Sleep and dreaming about you....wake up and wishing you're here to greet me every morning...
Travel and go around...wishing that somehow your spirit be with me everywhere I go...
Hoping and wishing you finally stay with me and fulfilling all my heart desires...

I wish, oh I can only wish...this time I'll find the way...
Though I'm staying in the wilderness...in the desert...with no one speaking to me
I wish...I can find my way back to you

Staring at the night sky in August...

I wake up in the middle of the night these few days, not thinking of anything for certain reason...but there are something in my heart that pounding it. I said to myself, do not waste your time thinking of the past and the things that seems impossible. You're a strong woman, you can make it without him...

And I lied again, it seems like that I care not to love again. Care not to look for someone that I can cared for...but I can't --


You're gone now, and all I can do, is just wishing that it is you....the one that my soul looking for...it is truly you, that my heart longing for....


Again, I felt the sudden emptyness when you're gone this time, just like when you leave me sometime ago...the pain when I can't see you around, just when I began to know you more...
But probably it's too late, just like every other stories in the past, when I found that I was a fool to let my love to go away, or too naive to trust in the love that's empty, or every now and then when I love the wrong person...
But, today, I felt that somehow that might be you....I hope that our previous meeting is a time when history began to wave it's endless threads of destiny between you and me... The threads that I wish can make a beautiful pattern in the rainbow in the sky that we stay under together....

I said a little prayer, thinking of you that probably in the other side of the world or probably stay near to me now. Pray that God will lead me to the end of the rainbow where you wait there and wait for me...


"Again, I'm sitting here, all alone again, without you that never seems so close to me...
I look at the stars, I spread my arms to the open sea and sky...and fly again, just like the lonely Cygnus in the midst of billions of stars"

I almost forget...

These few days, though my workload seem burdens me so much, I got surprising re-connections with some old friends and well, some ex-lovers... hehehehe...
They somehow contact me, mostly using SMS or chats, and some even called me directly to my cell. And I suddenly realized...that whenever I work in remote areas, I often find myself to have limited connection with my old friends. I spent most of my time to work and get limited social life here, no meeting people outside my work circumstances and of course no romance life whatsoever....

I must admit, I miss those moments of hanging out with my friends an buddies, and I miss the thrilling moments to love and to be loved back...the happiness when a person says to me, "I miss u and I love you the way you are..."
Am I going to find that person?

I'm still wandering and wondering though...

"Should we run...?"

"Should we run...?"
Seems like the soft south wind blow it to my ear
And I stand still, in the mist of the sea of grass and dandelions, wandering...
Somewhere, someone had asked me this before...

As I gaze upon the blue sky
The sun embraced me with warm sunlight
Again, I feel that feeling....that you are here...only, I'm not sure that you ever exist...
Half of me lost...between memories and the visions...

It's hard, harder than I ever imagine
To keep you in my mind, while the facts seem just like illusions
While the longings still linger in my heart
To be with you and know you more...

And I started to run...freely...with no direction
Just following where the wind blows
Hoping that it leads me to you
I run and run again....became lighter in every steps
And suddenly, I feel you near me...
Your hands holding mine and we run together...

When I stop because I'm catching my breath,
I feel your arms around me and holding me tight from behind
Whispering, "Now, we've run together, I'll never let you run alone again..."

A Vietnamese Culinary Experience

2 weeks ago, my friends and me decided to have some culinary experiences by trying some Vietnamese restaurant. The first try is Cali Deli, in Jalan Surabaya, Menteng, Jakarta. We rode our bicycles to the restaurant and park our them near the trees in the parking lot. At the first sight, the restaurant seemed so green and cozy, with beautiful lights from the bulbs lightened the park lot and the place every where. Moreover the greeneries from the plants and some air vapor created some mist that surprisingly refreshing. It feels like we’re not in the sideway of a busy road at all. Like we dine in a natural view restaurant that u can only found in Bogor or outside Jakarta.

My choices for that dinner were Turkey Sandwich (in Vietnam, they called these kind of sandwiches Bánh mì) and Vietnamese Ice Coffee, and my friend tried Lemongrass Chicken Sandwich and some juice. The food finally appeared and they seem so tasty, so I grab my sandwiches that had been cut into 3 nice part and munch it. Hmm…it’s so delicious! I like the crunchy bread, the unique yet tasty turkey and the vegetables (carrot, lettuce and some cucumber plus onion) that cut into small matchstick size, and also the smoked turkey meat that sliced into thin layers. We ate the sandwiches, my friend tried mine and vice versa. (unfortunately, I didn't bring my camera at that time, but this Bánh mì picture very alike with the ones we had)

The lemongrass chicken sandwiches are also delicious. I like the unique flavor of the marinated chicken. About the ice coffee, I like it, since it’s not too sweet as the usual coffee mix, but kinda had a strong flavor but yet enjoyable.

On Sunday, after the evening service, my friends and me went to a Mr.Pho 2000. It’s a Vietnamese restaurant located in Senayan City mall 5^th Floor. My friends ordered the Vietnamese spicy noodles that looks like Japanese ramen, and me, as usual, ordered the chicken sandwich. In hope that I get the same delicious experience like the one I had with Cali Deli’s Vietnamese sandwiches. For drink, I tried Salted Buzz, interested to taste this sounds unique drink.

The drink came in first. First, it taste very much like Sprite, they just add 2 piece of sliced lime and some yellowish fruits in the bottom that I thought must be apricot or mango. But I was wrong, the yellowish fruit had a salty taste like the ‘asinan’ (sautéed fruit) called ‘amoy’. I often get amoy (the name of the Chinese sautéed fruit) when I was in my childhood, and this yellowish fruit very much like amoy.

Then the food came….My sandwiches are not as delicious as the ones I had in Cali Deli. The stir-fried chicken as the stuffing is ok, but the French loaf/bread that they use aren’t crunchy and taste like ordinary bread. They provided a cup of oil with vinegar, but it doesn’t really add to the taste. I’m pretty much disappointed with the taste actually, because compared to the price, it don't satisfying at all. But well, it’s a culinary experience though. You never know what u’ll get.. ;)

I'm afraid

Finally, after so many doubts I had chosen in the past, I decided to take that offer...
Much more, this decision will lead me to the most uneasy and difficult places that most big NGOs had think it's impossible to work there. So far from my dream to work in Sumba, the place that is so much nearer to Bali.

And now, I'm afraid....
I'm afraid that I had taken the wrong decision based on desperation...
I'm afraid to go to that place and leave everything behind me...
I'm afraid I can't be myself there... and things only lead me to other dissapointments...
And I'm afraid to be the leader there, to be the one that responsible for all the things done by my staff...

I'm sad....
I'm sad because this mean I had to leave the urban life...
I'm sad because this mean another year (or probably years) spent in the wilderness, with noone will take care of my spiritual growth...
I'm sad because deep in my heart, I hope I can life ordinary girl's dreams...
To find a true love and build a family... so easy that my friends had doing it for years now....


God, I wish I can erase these negative thoughts and saya : "Be it unto me according to Your words. According to your promises, I can stand secure...."
If anyone read this, can u leave me a message, an encouragement perhaps? I really appreciate it if u did...

Shifting Life?

A week passed and some interesting things happened, but none were special though. The same feelings that make me wondering why my life moves so slowly these few months while others seem like shifting so fast like lights.

After that clarification letter from that UN Agency came again by post, that reminds me of the failed plans to go back to Aceh again. I felt like I'm shifting between times without knowing what to do and how I should feel. Just living my life that seems endless, hehehe....

To end the week, I got a 'different' offer from a distinguished institution here in Jakarta that call me for an interview for the position that I never think of it before. Sounds weird to my humanitarian background, but again, rather than just sitting here and see others' life changing fastly, all I can do is see where this will lead me and follow it. After three years and life just bring me to where I start before....education. Sounds weird right? I'm shifting back to where I used to be...only this time, I don't really know is this the pace that I always wanted....

Another Star Faded Away...

And another star faded away from my life...
The hope that I cling to for days and months is now gone,
And I'm here, again in the desert... alone...wondering...
Will another bright star shine upon this desert?

Love's Divine

These few days had made me wondering. Yes, I'm again in the blues of my mood, somehow because this irritating cough, and probably for other reasons...include the memories from the past and the hopes for tomorrow...

I knew I'm in the brink of believing and not believing. Sometimes I want to believe things are going smoothly as they should be, but other times I can't help myself to doubt whether there is an end of these series of (un)fortunate events. I want to start a new life (and love), but sometimes when things are not going smoothly to what I expected (mind me, I'm a planner person), I became numb...and lose my hope. Even, I don't want to hope too much in fear of getting hurt again with too much expectation.

Life is hard recently for some others, and I knew the classic phrase : Everyone has their own battle, do not envy others. But believe me, when u're in my complex situation, all I can do is .....sadly...nothing. When I began to lose my hope for everything, this song reminds me of what I truly need : love.
Yes, divine love from above that can made me remember who I am truly. Though this is not a Christian song, but somehow this song make me remembering Him, the only one that can give this divine love to help me find the real me inspite of all the turmoils...He is God, Lord Jesus.

Love's Divine - sung by Seal

Then the rainstorm came, over me
And I felt my spirit break
I had lost all of my, belief you see
And realize my mistake
But time through a prayer, to me
And all around me, it came still

I need love, loves divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, loves is what I need to help me know my name

Through the rainstorm came, sanctuary
And I felt my spirit fly
I had felt, all of my, reality
I realize what it takes

'Cause I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, loves is what I need to help me know my name

Oh I, don't bet (don't bet), don't bet (don't bet)
Show me how to live a promise me you won't forsake
'Cause love can help me know my name

Well I try to say there's nothing wrong
But inside felt that all in all
But the message here was plain to see
Believe:

'Cause I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, loves is what I need to help me know my name

Oh I, don't bet (don't bet), don't bet (don't bet)
Show me how to live a promise me you won't forsake
'Cause love can help me know my name

Love can help me know my name.

A Mere Reflection

Almost end of the year, and how I realized that my writings had been so limited this year than the previous year. Maybe the hectic days made me so busy to pour out my thoughts and passions into writings...well, I can only regret it...
Oh how time flew so fast, and days spent in vain...tears, laughters, smiles, frowns, wrinkles, grins and sour faces. All had put their marks upon my face this year. And how I realized that I had changed so much (and yet so little) in some parts of my life.

Last month, during the boring days of my holidays in home, I finally watched some movies that I had got from my friends (mostly the downloaded movies), one of them is "The Pursuit of Happiness" staring Will Smith.
It was a simple film, and old film though, simple messages, some drama, etc. But one thing that keeps nagging my mind is the question : "Should I try hard to pursue my happiness also?"

These words came into my mind as I reflect on the meaning of happiness and our efforts to pursue it:
"Sometimes our efforts to pursue happiness make us end in despair when trying to fix things up and solitude when we realized no one stands beside us.... And our minds play tricks that we had rights to be happy and sometimes that cause us to sacrifice others...People that had nothing to do with us and people that we chosen to be sacrificed just to fulfill our deepest longings for happiness."

Some common thoughts and excuses in our world such as:
I had to fired my staff to 'save' my company and thus make me can treat my family for their vacation to Bahamas next year, I felt sorry but people can't satisfy everyone...

I had to be with him, because I love him and he's not happy with his wife anymore. I know this is wrong, but I only pursue our happiness. His wife can give him happiness by letting him go and let him together with me...

I had to be tough and show no mercy to people to state I'm capable of leading this workgroup and shows my excellence in leading people and gaining profits...

I am willing to had every situations and conditions, getting beaten, got harrassed, assaults, anything...from men....as long as they 'love' me and 'treat' me well.

I'm willing to letting go of who I am, the real me, just to get people's attention. To get love and admiration from others, and the people that I love. I'm ready to sacrifice my thoughts, my beliefs, my everything just to had people's acceptance. To be like them, not to be someone different...

Those are just common thoughts that many people use to justify their acts and ignorance, again, in pursuit of happiness...sometimes just to satisfy our deepest longings for love, admiration, acceptance and acknowledgement from others...

Again, I ask myself so many times before I take a step towards my happiness, "Will I let myself to become the 'evil' person that will sacrifice others in order to pursue my own happiness?"
and "Can I live forever remembering that I'm guilty for that?"
The answer that can only be answered by my deepest part of my heart...

The ambiguence of me

When I look strong, people judge me too independent and harsh

When I look meek, people tends to hurt me

When I untrust love, it appears to be so true

When I trust in love it betrays me

Mediocracy...should I trapped in between?

A quarter century away...

A quarter century seems so short yet seems so long...

Thousand days gone and seems too fast and here I am...in the brink of nowhere of my life...

My days are full of struggle...my nights are never ending.

I wait for someone to embrace me and keep me from falling...


It's been 25 years, full of laugh, joy, tears and grief...

And what lies in front of me just a glimpse of sparkling white line that tells me, "You are in the right path."

But sometimes the shade of dark clouds make me shiver,

And I felt trapped in a tempest without a firm shield over me.


A cracked knee, a hurted heart

That's what I had this day...

Dull days and long nights, I'm wondering where you will take me?

Can I trust the silver lining from You?


.....Me, in my celebrating a quarter century of my presence on earth.....