I'm afraid

Finally, after so many doubts I had chosen in the past, I decided to take that offer...
Much more, this decision will lead me to the most uneasy and difficult places that most big NGOs had think it's impossible to work there. So far from my dream to work in Sumba, the place that is so much nearer to Bali.

And now, I'm afraid....
I'm afraid that I had taken the wrong decision based on desperation...
I'm afraid to go to that place and leave everything behind me...
I'm afraid I can't be myself there... and things only lead me to other dissapointments...
And I'm afraid to be the leader there, to be the one that responsible for all the things done by my staff...

I'm sad....
I'm sad because this mean I had to leave the urban life...
I'm sad because this mean another year (or probably years) spent in the wilderness, with noone will take care of my spiritual growth...
I'm sad because deep in my heart, I hope I can life ordinary girl's dreams...
To find a true love and build a family... so easy that my friends had doing it for years now....


God, I wish I can erase these negative thoughts and saya : "Be it unto me according to Your words. According to your promises, I can stand secure...."
If anyone read this, can u leave me a message, an encouragement perhaps? I really appreciate it if u did...

Shifting Life?

A week passed and some interesting things happened, but none were special though. The same feelings that make me wondering why my life moves so slowly these few months while others seem like shifting so fast like lights.

After that clarification letter from that UN Agency came again by post, that reminds me of the failed plans to go back to Aceh again. I felt like I'm shifting between times without knowing what to do and how I should feel. Just living my life that seems endless, hehehe....

To end the week, I got a 'different' offer from a distinguished institution here in Jakarta that call me for an interview for the position that I never think of it before. Sounds weird to my humanitarian background, but again, rather than just sitting here and see others' life changing fastly, all I can do is see where this will lead me and follow it. After three years and life just bring me to where I start before....education. Sounds weird right? I'm shifting back to where I used to be...only this time, I don't really know is this the pace that I always wanted....

Another Star Faded Away...

And another star faded away from my life...
The hope that I cling to for days and months is now gone,
And I'm here, again in the desert... alone...wondering...
Will another bright star shine upon this desert?

Love's Divine

These few days had made me wondering. Yes, I'm again in the blues of my mood, somehow because this irritating cough, and probably for other reasons...include the memories from the past and the hopes for tomorrow...

I knew I'm in the brink of believing and not believing. Sometimes I want to believe things are going smoothly as they should be, but other times I can't help myself to doubt whether there is an end of these series of (un)fortunate events. I want to start a new life (and love), but sometimes when things are not going smoothly to what I expected (mind me, I'm a planner person), I became numb...and lose my hope. Even, I don't want to hope too much in fear of getting hurt again with too much expectation.

Life is hard recently for some others, and I knew the classic phrase : Everyone has their own battle, do not envy others. But believe me, when u're in my complex situation, all I can do is .....sadly...nothing. When I began to lose my hope for everything, this song reminds me of what I truly need : love.
Yes, divine love from above that can made me remember who I am truly. Though this is not a Christian song, but somehow this song make me remembering Him, the only one that can give this divine love to help me find the real me inspite of all the turmoils...He is God, Lord Jesus.

Love's Divine - sung by Seal

Then the rainstorm came, over me
And I felt my spirit break
I had lost all of my, belief you see
And realize my mistake
But time through a prayer, to me
And all around me, it came still

I need love, loves divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, loves is what I need to help me know my name

Through the rainstorm came, sanctuary
And I felt my spirit fly
I had felt, all of my, reality
I realize what it takes

'Cause I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, loves is what I need to help me know my name

Oh I, don't bet (don't bet), don't bet (don't bet)
Show me how to live a promise me you won't forsake
'Cause love can help me know my name

Well I try to say there's nothing wrong
But inside felt that all in all
But the message here was plain to see
Believe:

'Cause I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, loves is what I need to help me know my name

Oh I, don't bet (don't bet), don't bet (don't bet)
Show me how to live a promise me you won't forsake
'Cause love can help me know my name

Love can help me know my name.

A Mere Reflection

Almost end of the year, and how I realized that my writings had been so limited this year than the previous year. Maybe the hectic days made me so busy to pour out my thoughts and passions into writings...well, I can only regret it...
Oh how time flew so fast, and days spent in vain...tears, laughters, smiles, frowns, wrinkles, grins and sour faces. All had put their marks upon my face this year. And how I realized that I had changed so much (and yet so little) in some parts of my life.

Last month, during the boring days of my holidays in home, I finally watched some movies that I had got from my friends (mostly the downloaded movies), one of them is "The Pursuit of Happiness" staring Will Smith.
It was a simple film, and old film though, simple messages, some drama, etc. But one thing that keeps nagging my mind is the question : "Should I try hard to pursue my happiness also?"

These words came into my mind as I reflect on the meaning of happiness and our efforts to pursue it:
"Sometimes our efforts to pursue happiness make us end in despair when trying to fix things up and solitude when we realized no one stands beside us.... And our minds play tricks that we had rights to be happy and sometimes that cause us to sacrifice others...People that had nothing to do with us and people that we chosen to be sacrificed just to fulfill our deepest longings for happiness."

Some common thoughts and excuses in our world such as:
I had to fired my staff to 'save' my company and thus make me can treat my family for their vacation to Bahamas next year, I felt sorry but people can't satisfy everyone...

I had to be with him, because I love him and he's not happy with his wife anymore. I know this is wrong, but I only pursue our happiness. His wife can give him happiness by letting him go and let him together with me...

I had to be tough and show no mercy to people to state I'm capable of leading this workgroup and shows my excellence in leading people and gaining profits...

I am willing to had every situations and conditions, getting beaten, got harrassed, assaults, anything...from men....as long as they 'love' me and 'treat' me well.

I'm willing to letting go of who I am, the real me, just to get people's attention. To get love and admiration from others, and the people that I love. I'm ready to sacrifice my thoughts, my beliefs, my everything just to had people's acceptance. To be like them, not to be someone different...

Those are just common thoughts that many people use to justify their acts and ignorance, again, in pursuit of happiness...sometimes just to satisfy our deepest longings for love, admiration, acceptance and acknowledgement from others...

Again, I ask myself so many times before I take a step towards my happiness, "Will I let myself to become the 'evil' person that will sacrifice others in order to pursue my own happiness?"
and "Can I live forever remembering that I'm guilty for that?"
The answer that can only be answered by my deepest part of my heart...

The ambiguence of me

When I look strong, people judge me too independent and harsh

When I look meek, people tends to hurt me

When I untrust love, it appears to be so true

When I trust in love it betrays me

Mediocracy...should I trapped in between?

A quarter century away...

A quarter century seems so short yet seems so long...

Thousand days gone and seems too fast and here I am...in the brink of nowhere of my life...

My days are full of struggle...my nights are never ending.

I wait for someone to embrace me and keep me from falling...


It's been 25 years, full of laugh, joy, tears and grief...

And what lies in front of me just a glimpse of sparkling white line that tells me, "You are in the right path."

But sometimes the shade of dark clouds make me shiver,

And I felt trapped in a tempest without a firm shield over me.


A cracked knee, a hurted heart

That's what I had this day...

Dull days and long nights, I'm wondering where you will take me?

Can I trust the silver lining from You?


.....Me, in my celebrating a quarter century of my presence on earth.....

Merry Christmas everybody!

I just wishing you all who read this :

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
Hopefully the peace, joy, hope and blessings that JESUS brings always be with you forever....

and enjoy the new year eve too........

Fired!

This week is an uneasy week for me to work. Coz I had to fired 2 of my staff that proven to be guilty and done gross major faults while doing their tasks. And I had to done it before we left fo the field and I had to go with them for this last week.
Moreover, when it came to the last day one of them said that he'll visit his sick mother that had undergone tumor surgery in his hometown. It made me kinda felt guilty for firing him coz probably he's in a need of much money to cover the surgery expenses.
But I can't do anything since the decision was also taken by my boss and the head of base.
This is the first time I fired people, though they are guilty, but I still feel uneasy.... Sigh...

To hope for one glimpse of light...

It's been two years since I graduated from university, and seems that my life had changed a lot. I suddenly noticed this from the news that I got from my friends.Some already married, some are busy to prepare their weddings, some still dating their beloved.Anyway, not just this issue of singleness that came into my mind recently, but the state of being alonein 'the jungle'.It has been 3 weeks since I left Jakarta and open the new project here, since this is a Watsan projectso, there is only me a woman here. And it's kinda hectic to work with these guys. So many difficultsituations regarding me as the one and only female being here made me kinda stressed a bit.No body to talk to, no social life that seems will be a prospering one that somehow, I hope,will lead me to a new love life.It's been two years indeed, but seems my love life going nowhere while my friends seem prosperous #in this part of life. After the experience that I got from the last relationship ended with unansweredquestions and hanging hopes, I began wondering could I start again and found the right guy? Even inthis 'jungle' of solitude?Yes, my life is still long and I'm still young, but at least I hope that somehow a glimpseof light will fall on my dim love life....Giving me hope that there are somehow a love that worthstriving for...
Will time answer me? Or is it You, God that will ease my worries?

Whatever!

During these holidays that I took to spend my annual leave, I tried hard to enjoy myself more than I used to be. But spending time while thinking that there are so much troubles in the future when I'll be back at my work made me a little bit stressed. The uncertainty about the continuation of my contract, the present but hidden negative judgments about me in the workplace that were spread by hidden 'enemies', and most of all the uncertainty about how my future should be.... are the things that made me confused. Moreover there is no assurance from the people that once offered me chances.


So, today I decided to let them off. To enjoy my time while I am in here. To do things that I can't do before. And say to myself whenever those problems came to my mind :

WHATEVER!!!!

Crying...

These days I felt like crying all the time...The pressure, the betrayal, the gossip about me are taking their toll towards the end of the project. I don't know what else to do. I don't know who else I have to share these burdens.Its a hard thing to keep smiling though those two-faced clowns say bad things about me to my boss. The worse thing is my boss didn't truly believe I am working well. I just don't know whether I can manage until April. I doubt they will want to work with me next phase despite the bad news and rumors those clowns had spread.God please give me strength to do what is right...

Merry Christmas everybody

I just want to say :

M E R R Y C H R I S T M A S

and

HAPPY NEW YEAR

to all my friends, readers, etc....

May GOD bless us all!

hurts

These days I felt like I'm losing myself...
I lost myself because I had knew the answer from that person...
I'm glad because I finally can be brave to be honest to my own feeling, but I can't help myself from wanting that this is not true, and things didn't happen the way they were.
It's hurt though, and sometimes I felt blank, no feeling and no hurt, but sometimes simple accidents that hurt me (like bumping into something hard or cut myself) remind me of the hurts, and the lost dreams.

Can I get up and continue my life? Can I dream another dream? Can I felt my heart again?
I look at the distant sky, I knew my life should go on, I had to dream another dream... but I can't maybe I can, but this heart is fragile.
And I ask myself, is it easier to hate than to love?
Will time heal me just like in the past time? Because my feelings are deeper and my hurts are real, the first and deepest affection that I felt towards someone. Not just like, but truly love him whatever he does and whoever he is.
Maybe I look stronger and I can say : "I could fix my heart on my own" but the truth is I can't.
I'm weak, I am hurt and I'm blank....

A month ahead

Maybe I don't want to end this journey...
Maybe the future makes me worry a lot...
Maybe the uncertainty blur my mind...
And maybe my feelings for you shed tears on my cheek...

A month is what I have now...
I know the end of this journey is near
I can't do anything to change it
Nor can I plan my own path ahead

Maybe our journey will end here too
As you left me here and start a new journey somewhere
I soon leave this place and start a new one
And soon we will be busy walking by our own

That's what frighten me most...
To start a journey without you by my side
To fully walk alone to a new place
To find myself realize that you won't be there for me...

I know maybe you'll never think about me
Maybe I'm just a part of your past
A past that soon you will forget,
A past that I'm afraid you will try to forget...

Thinking about it make me feel lost
What if we won't meet again?
What if my feeling for you is true?
What if you won't realize it?

Tender Heart

I love to listen to "Tender Heart" by Lionel Richie these days. Maybe it kinda described what feelings did I had nowadays...

Sometimes, I just wanna scream to that person ..........

Love so far away...

I like this poem...


How can someone love me,
from so far away.
Making me feel needed,
in such a loving and special way.
~~
Knowin' you're here with me,
as I think of you.
You're such a part of me,
in everything I do.
~~
You rolled into my life,
just like the oceans tide.
You hold me in my dreams,
pushing all fears aside.

We sleep under the same sky,
the stars are our blanket at night.
Wanting to be with you,
to love and hold ya' tight.
~~
I will always look to the sky above,
each night and day.
For the one that loves me,
from so far away.

And I miss u so....

Is this considered porn pic?

Freed your mind, and freed your spirit
Are the ways to better understanding...

Words above don't come from a famous figure like Einstein or Shakespeare, they are just words that came into my mind lately.
Maybe after read some arguments in the mailing list that I joined about how we should act towards the term pornography and how this nation began to divided into two sides, the pros and the cons, I came to a sense of understanding that sometimes small things that to someone looks unimportant, can be a threat to others.

Maybe for me, posing like I did in the pic above seems okay and don't trigger something in others minds. But to others, maybe that pose looks odd and 'maybe' can made people think about something. Well, as a matter of fact, that what happened lately in this nation.
Some people that think every kinds of porno-related-stuff, including women that wear sexy (this term of sexy can be differ to many people) and full-pressed-body clothes, had to be forbidden to show off in the public places and else because they might become a cause of criminal actions like rape and other sexual related criminalities.

And some people think it's ok to wear sexy clothes because it's the right of the women to show off her beauty (include her body that considered as a subject of art expression). So they against the new law draft that considered wearing sexy clothes in public places is a form of criminality that can trigger a rape.
Well, for me, I still watch how the shows go on, though I didn't support pornography and related stuff. But, I also don't agree if I have to be arrested if I wear sexy clothes (that what I think sexy, but maybe to others it wasn't sexy at all).
So the conclusion is : STILL HAVE NO COMMENT.... ;P
But I will freed my mind and spirit to learn things that right and just to understand better about how things work.

BTW, do I look sexy and can raise lust when I pose like in the pic above?
If so, please tell me, because maybe I can consider other pose (that didn't guarantee also if I made another erotic pose - LOL) ^_^

Take it slow...

Take it slow, take it slow, this time we take it slow....

That was John Legend sang in his song, "Ordinary People"
I just keep thinking how my life seems flying so fast these days. What happened yesterday and last week seem like happened last year.
So does my relation with someone. He seems so close one time, and the other time he seems so far away. I don't know what make us like this, but sometimes, I just wanna say to him that I miss the old times when we're close and share our problems, thoughts and feelings.
Like wanting to sit with him in a place like the picture above, talking all day and sharing things that kept inside my heart and his. Be free to tell others whatever things without fearing that someone might get hurt or changed. Just talking and let things flow like river between us...

Indeed, it's been a long long time since I had a time to sit and share with somebody....
I miss those times...

Bad Words

I don't know why, these days seem like I swore a lot about someone. He had said many things that made me angry and when I looked at him and whatever related to him, I got really upset and said bad words in my heart. I know this is not good at all. But I can't stop it, really hate him.
Please pray for me that I should forgive him. Help me...