The ambiguence of me

When I look strong, people judge me too independent and harsh

When I look meek, people tends to hurt me

When I untrust love, it appears to be so true

When I trust in love it betrays me

Mediocracy...should I trapped in between?

A quarter century away...

A quarter century seems so short yet seems so long...

Thousand days gone and seems too fast and here I am...in the brink of nowhere of my life...

My days are full of struggle...my nights are never ending.

I wait for someone to embrace me and keep me from falling...


It's been 25 years, full of laugh, joy, tears and grief...

And what lies in front of me just a glimpse of sparkling white line that tells me, "You are in the right path."

But sometimes the shade of dark clouds make me shiver,

And I felt trapped in a tempest without a firm shield over me.


A cracked knee, a hurted heart

That's what I had this day...

Dull days and long nights, I'm wondering where you will take me?

Can I trust the silver lining from You?


.....Me, in my celebrating a quarter century of my presence on earth.....

Merry Christmas everybody!

I just wishing you all who read this :

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
Hopefully the peace, joy, hope and blessings that JESUS brings always be with you forever....

and enjoy the new year eve too........

Fired!

This week is an uneasy week for me to work. Coz I had to fired 2 of my staff that proven to be guilty and done gross major faults while doing their tasks. And I had to done it before we left fo the field and I had to go with them for this last week.
Moreover, when it came to the last day one of them said that he'll visit his sick mother that had undergone tumor surgery in his hometown. It made me kinda felt guilty for firing him coz probably he's in a need of much money to cover the surgery expenses.
But I can't do anything since the decision was also taken by my boss and the head of base.
This is the first time I fired people, though they are guilty, but I still feel uneasy.... Sigh...

To hope for one glimpse of light...

It's been two years since I graduated from university, and seems that my life had changed a lot. I suddenly noticed this from the news that I got from my friends.Some already married, some are busy to prepare their weddings, some still dating their beloved.Anyway, not just this issue of singleness that came into my mind recently, but the state of being alonein 'the jungle'.It has been 3 weeks since I left Jakarta and open the new project here, since this is a Watsan projectso, there is only me a woman here. And it's kinda hectic to work with these guys. So many difficultsituations regarding me as the one and only female being here made me kinda stressed a bit.No body to talk to, no social life that seems will be a prospering one that somehow, I hope,will lead me to a new love life.It's been two years indeed, but seems my love life going nowhere while my friends seem prosperous #in this part of life. After the experience that I got from the last relationship ended with unansweredquestions and hanging hopes, I began wondering could I start again and found the right guy? Even inthis 'jungle' of solitude?Yes, my life is still long and I'm still young, but at least I hope that somehow a glimpseof light will fall on my dim love life....Giving me hope that there are somehow a love that worthstriving for...
Will time answer me? Or is it You, God that will ease my worries?

Whatever!

During these holidays that I took to spend my annual leave, I tried hard to enjoy myself more than I used to be. But spending time while thinking that there are so much troubles in the future when I'll be back at my work made me a little bit stressed. The uncertainty about the continuation of my contract, the present but hidden negative judgments about me in the workplace that were spread by hidden 'enemies', and most of all the uncertainty about how my future should be.... are the things that made me confused. Moreover there is no assurance from the people that once offered me chances.


So, today I decided to let them off. To enjoy my time while I am in here. To do things that I can't do before. And say to myself whenever those problems came to my mind :

WHATEVER!!!!

Crying...

These days I felt like crying all the time...The pressure, the betrayal, the gossip about me are taking their toll towards the end of the project. I don't know what else to do. I don't know who else I have to share these burdens.Its a hard thing to keep smiling though those two-faced clowns say bad things about me to my boss. The worse thing is my boss didn't truly believe I am working well. I just don't know whether I can manage until April. I doubt they will want to work with me next phase despite the bad news and rumors those clowns had spread.God please give me strength to do what is right...

Merry Christmas everybody

I just want to say :

M E R R Y C H R I S T M A S

and

HAPPY NEW YEAR

to all my friends, readers, etc....

May GOD bless us all!

hurts

These days I felt like I'm losing myself...
I lost myself because I had knew the answer from that person...
I'm glad because I finally can be brave to be honest to my own feeling, but I can't help myself from wanting that this is not true, and things didn't happen the way they were.
It's hurt though, and sometimes I felt blank, no feeling and no hurt, but sometimes simple accidents that hurt me (like bumping into something hard or cut myself) remind me of the hurts, and the lost dreams.

Can I get up and continue my life? Can I dream another dream? Can I felt my heart again?
I look at the distant sky, I knew my life should go on, I had to dream another dream... but I can't maybe I can, but this heart is fragile.
And I ask myself, is it easier to hate than to love?
Will time heal me just like in the past time? Because my feelings are deeper and my hurts are real, the first and deepest affection that I felt towards someone. Not just like, but truly love him whatever he does and whoever he is.
Maybe I look stronger and I can say : "I could fix my heart on my own" but the truth is I can't.
I'm weak, I am hurt and I'm blank....

A month ahead

Maybe I don't want to end this journey...
Maybe the future makes me worry a lot...
Maybe the uncertainty blur my mind...
And maybe my feelings for you shed tears on my cheek...

A month is what I have now...
I know the end of this journey is near
I can't do anything to change it
Nor can I plan my own path ahead

Maybe our journey will end here too
As you left me here and start a new journey somewhere
I soon leave this place and start a new one
And soon we will be busy walking by our own

That's what frighten me most...
To start a journey without you by my side
To fully walk alone to a new place
To find myself realize that you won't be there for me...

I know maybe you'll never think about me
Maybe I'm just a part of your past
A past that soon you will forget,
A past that I'm afraid you will try to forget...

Thinking about it make me feel lost
What if we won't meet again?
What if my feeling for you is true?
What if you won't realize it?

Tender Heart

I love to listen to "Tender Heart" by Lionel Richie these days. Maybe it kinda described what feelings did I had nowadays...

Sometimes, I just wanna scream to that person ..........

Love so far away...

I like this poem...


How can someone love me,
from so far away.
Making me feel needed,
in such a loving and special way.
~~
Knowin' you're here with me,
as I think of you.
You're such a part of me,
in everything I do.
~~
You rolled into my life,
just like the oceans tide.
You hold me in my dreams,
pushing all fears aside.

We sleep under the same sky,
the stars are our blanket at night.
Wanting to be with you,
to love and hold ya' tight.
~~
I will always look to the sky above,
each night and day.
For the one that loves me,
from so far away.

And I miss u so....

Is this considered porn pic?

Freed your mind, and freed your spirit
Are the ways to better understanding...

Words above don't come from a famous figure like Einstein or Shakespeare, they are just words that came into my mind lately.
Maybe after read some arguments in the mailing list that I joined about how we should act towards the term pornography and how this nation began to divided into two sides, the pros and the cons, I came to a sense of understanding that sometimes small things that to someone looks unimportant, can be a threat to others.

Maybe for me, posing like I did in the pic above seems okay and don't trigger something in others minds. But to others, maybe that pose looks odd and 'maybe' can made people think about something. Well, as a matter of fact, that what happened lately in this nation.
Some people that think every kinds of porno-related-stuff, including women that wear sexy (this term of sexy can be differ to many people) and full-pressed-body clothes, had to be forbidden to show off in the public places and else because they might become a cause of criminal actions like rape and other sexual related criminalities.

And some people think it's ok to wear sexy clothes because it's the right of the women to show off her beauty (include her body that considered as a subject of art expression). So they against the new law draft that considered wearing sexy clothes in public places is a form of criminality that can trigger a rape.
Well, for me, I still watch how the shows go on, though I didn't support pornography and related stuff. But, I also don't agree if I have to be arrested if I wear sexy clothes (that what I think sexy, but maybe to others it wasn't sexy at all).
So the conclusion is : STILL HAVE NO COMMENT.... ;P
But I will freed my mind and spirit to learn things that right and just to understand better about how things work.

BTW, do I look sexy and can raise lust when I pose like in the pic above?
If so, please tell me, because maybe I can consider other pose (that didn't guarantee also if I made another erotic pose - LOL) ^_^

Take it slow...

Take it slow, take it slow, this time we take it slow....

That was John Legend sang in his song, "Ordinary People"
I just keep thinking how my life seems flying so fast these days. What happened yesterday and last week seem like happened last year.
So does my relation with someone. He seems so close one time, and the other time he seems so far away. I don't know what make us like this, but sometimes, I just wanna say to him that I miss the old times when we're close and share our problems, thoughts and feelings.
Like wanting to sit with him in a place like the picture above, talking all day and sharing things that kept inside my heart and his. Be free to tell others whatever things without fearing that someone might get hurt or changed. Just talking and let things flow like river between us...

Indeed, it's been a long long time since I had a time to sit and share with somebody....
I miss those times...

Bad Words

I don't know why, these days seem like I swore a lot about someone. He had said many things that made me angry and when I looked at him and whatever related to him, I got really upset and said bad words in my heart. I know this is not good at all. But I can't stop it, really hate him.
Please pray for me that I should forgive him. Help me...

I'm Married...(later maybe?)

I'm married today! (Ups! I'm joking.... ;P)
My best friend, Roma, was married today with her boyfriend, Rully.
They finally united in holy marriage now...

Well, I kinda felt touched when they said the promises in front of the altar, and of course before GOD. It made me think that how time had changed us and well, now one of my best friends isn't single anymore. She's bound in a marriage now.
Besides me sat Ester and her boyfriend and also Tao and her boyfriend also. Well, I'm the only happy single there sat among my friends that already got boyfriends. And these weeks I heard so many news about many of my old friends in college already married or will get married next year, not to mention two of my cousins that already married this year and two again will follow the next year. It's seems like all the relatives eyes, especially my aunts, are directed toward me and my status for being single.
Well, who are they to force me to quickly find the right guy and marry him?
Whatever they will say and whatever things they will do to persuade me or my mom to 'press' me on marriage matters, I don't care! I just want to live my life to the full.
Period.

Natalan bo!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
SELAMAT NATAL!!!
FELIZ NAVIDAD!!
JOYEOUX NOEL!!!

Pokoknye semua bahasa yang gue tau deh...
Gw cuma mau ngucapin semuanya dan kali aja orang yang mampir ke situs gw bakalan ngeliat dan ngerti artinya postingan gw kali ini.

Ok, sebelumnya gw minta maaf karena gw jarang mosting lagi akhir2 ini. Abisan terlalu banyak jadwal yang harus gw jalanin menjelang akhir tahun ini. Baik itu di Kefa en di Jakarta. Gw harap di tahun depan gw bisa lebih rajin posting di blog gw tercinta ini.
Ok deh, GOD bless u all!

White Forest and Loneliness

It's strange how a threatening situation can made u think about death...

Yesterday, when I was on a trip back to Kefa after stayed for a night in another base in Naikliu, there's something happened and made me ever think about death.
It was a late departure from Naikliu, we supposed to leave before 9 A.M because the driver told me that the weather will become worse and the path in the mountains will be difficult to climb. But there so many things that undone by the staff in Naikliu, including the report and other things that we supposed to bring into Kefa office.
So, we went off late at 11 A.M.

First, the weather was very sunny and nice, I even took some pics while we drove off home. But then when we reached the mountains, it began to rain.

We tried to climb the hills slowly, but the rain had turned the ground into mud and soft soil, so it was hard. So, the driver stopped the car and picked up some stones to weighed down the truck. At that time we're in the middle of 'White Forest' because all the trees' trunk in that forest are white (they are Cajuputi tree that can be made into some essential oil).

While I stayed in the truck and the driver picked up the stones, a thought of death came into my mind.
How if we can't get out from this forest? How if we try and the truck accidentally rolled off and fell to the valleys? How if my parents know that their daughter accidentally killed in a truck accident in a remote place? Will my friends cry when they know that I'm dead in here?
And will he cries when he know that I was killed in an accident?

These thoughts came into my mind because at the second climb, the truck stuck in the mud again and the rain became harder. The driver told me that we should back or else stuck in the forest all night. It was a very frightening situation. We haven't got our lunch and it was getting late, soon it will be dark.
I sat silently in the truck and heard the birds singing beautifully, and the sounds of a small stream calming my mind. The rain keep pourin down and made me think about the people that I left in Jakarta. I even think about what clothes will I wear in my coffin. I felt alone and it was a bad way to die, to die alone in the middle of nowhere, I mean.

"Hey! I'm not gonna die here!" I said to myself. "What for GOD sent me from miles away just to die here? That's stupid Mel!"

But when we try again the truck is still stuck in the same track, so, we have to come down from the mountain and back to the nearest village. If we keep on moving, there's another threat, a lack of gasoline, we probably stuck in another wilderness without any gasoline.

Thank GOD, when we came to the village leader's house, they agree to help us. So two of them climbed up to the back of the truck and ride with us to the mountains. Then we spent about two hours in helping the truck to get away from holes, and soft soil. When we succeeded in overcame a track, there still so many tracks that left ahead. I finally got down from the truck and helped them dig the soil in the side road by using the shovel. Man, that was the first time I did that.

After two hours struggled in the mountains, we finally can escaped from those threats. But there so many miles left before we reached Kefa. And it was 6 P.M. We drove through the dark villages and forest, and almost stuck in another forest. After passed 35 rivers and streams, and 145 km, we finally reached Kefa. I'm so glad because we had made it back to this town.
Though it cost us 12 hours (from 10.30 A.M to 10.30 P.M), and lots of energy and many pain (my back is still in trouble now). We finally here, though I don't very much like this town, but when I see civilization, I think that's enough for me now.

And well, those thoughts of death had been wiped away from me...

The Road Less Travelled

One fine afternoon by the sea...
I sat on a rock after travelled with my friend's sister throughout the day browsing Kupang. Then she brought me to this beach. After a hard time walked on sharp rock along the beach, even the sand isn't soft, we found a big rock and decide to climb over it.
Though it's hard and so many times we both grumble because of the hard rock, we finally realize that it's worth it. We saw a very beautiful scenery above it.

Well, sometimes, we live like this too, we often grumble about the sharp rock that we had to step on when we walk along life's road. And so many times, we just want to stop and then realize that the sand where we stand isn't better either. But when we finally reach the top, our goal, purpose, etc, we always amazed about the things we found there and forget our troubles and sorrow.

Maybe these times when I felt that I am alone here, and the road that I walk is the road that less travelled by many people, especially girls. I keep in my mind that whatever will happen ahead, I know that something great and beautiful will wait for me there.

A Glass of Comfort

A glass of cold water is all that I want now....

Maybe because its been so hot in here and there is no refrigerator in my rent house and office. Or maybe because I've been missing all the comfort that I used to have in Jakarta?

Oh yeah, I know it's so different from Jakarta with all it's comfort.
In Jakarta, I can get any kind of juice that I want, any books that I want to read and a glass of cold water don't matter too much for me. Here? Even too find a glass of clean, cold and pure water with no particles dissolved in it, is very hard to do.

And one of my colleagues said to me : Remember, you have to stay here for a year ahead. Yes, it's true. I remember it so much. But everything seems run slowly here.
I've been here for a week, but it seems that it had been a year. I still can't figure it out about how I should do my job and it seems so hard to be the smallest and the youngest staff in here.
I'm alone. I'm the only 22 years old unmarried female here, while most of my colleagues are male and married. It seems like I'm a teenage with all the big-city-stuff that I used everyday (clothes, language, and style). And sometimes, I felt desolated.

But I remember a quote: "An eagle flies alone"
And that quote seems strengthening me here. I know that an eagle is a noble bird that is tough and can survive the storm. Yet, it flies alone....
I'm all alone here, alone without all the comfort zone and protection from spiritual leader in church, alone without all the things that made me comfortable in Jakarta.

But an eagle should flies alone. Coz the storm is coming my way. God, I wish that I could manage to fly, eventhough I should fly alone...
I just hope that there are people out there that pray for me, people that remember that I'm still their friends, eventhough I never contact them again because of many things...
Coz I had left my comfort nest, and my glass of comfort to fly alone in a deserted land...