the search for Shangri-La (part 1)

"Have you find the Shangri-La my love?"

This question echoes in my mind lately... It rose in the darkness when I laid down to meditate in the gym after a body-balance exercise...
And through the night when I slept that night, it seems that I have an odd dream ....
A long wait for a lover that goes around the world to find his Shangri-La... in the end he is back to find the Shangri-La is inside the soul of his true lover.

~~~~~

My love is the blue ocean, with his drops he fills my thirsty soul
My love is a soft wind that fills my lungs with the fresh air
My love is a divine presence that thrills me every time I saw sunrise and sunset 
My love is a warmth of a smile that can turn the worst day into a best moment in life.....

But he's gone, gone to search for his true Shangri-La, the passion to find it stronger than anything that could hold him in this earth...
and I left here with a constant dream, a dream unfulfilled, and loneliness that silence my soul

So, I walk....through mountains and valleys, dive to the deepest sea and soaring to the sky with colorful wings....just to find him, so that I can bring him back to me...

Years past....but still I can't find him....
I chanted thousands prayers, look for him in every holy places on earth... just to see a glimpse of his face, to feel the warmth of his presence...
But he's nowhere...

I count the stars and sing an old rhyme before I sleep in hope that the universe will keep him safe that night
I sleep every night in hope that he's here, embrace me in the gate as I open the front door and look to start the day....
But he's nowhere.......

Has he found the Shangri-La and forget me?
Should I continue life and forget him?
Life seems unbearable knowing that he left me here...

Time shifts, life continues...
Memories fades...people grow old...
I had forgot to count the days.... almost lose the hope...
But it clings to me like an eternal fire...
To make me wait for your soul, in case the mountains keep your body in their cold freezing peaks

And I'm waiting.... still waiting...

~~~~~

Love by Rumi

Recently, I began to notice beautiful poems by Rumi, a famous Iranian/Turkish poet.

I just love his poems about love... just as they spoke to my hearts...

Listen to the sound of the reed

Listen to its plaintive notes,

For, ever since it was cut off from the reed-bed

It has been telling the tale of separation.

I want a heart torn by separation

That I may unfold to such a one

The pain of love...

For everyone who is separated far

From his source

Wishes back the time when he were one with it.

-Rumi-

If you feel any desire for me, then say so.
If you live without love, alone, I want to know.
If your heart holds a place for me, then say so.
Say if it 's so, or say no, but tell me the truth.

#1582, from Rumi's Kolliyaat-e Shams-e Tabrizi

What Qualities to Look in a Woman?

As my previous post regarding how to choose a man that worth fighting for to my fellow female friends. Here's the post I dedicated for men who are longing to find the women they long for to spend the rest of their lives together... May you find her, brother....

And may a true man of God find me as I'm struggling each day to be more perfect and have these qualities, especially quality no. 6 as I'm get used to be a leader and initiator in my job and among my friends :)

Here they are the qualities:

1. Fears God and whose hope is in the Lord God. Her life is going to be a reflection of where her hope is. If a young lady's hope is in any place other than the Lord, the young who marries her is going to spend the rest of his life trying to help his wife catch a butterfly. It isn't going to happen.
2. Honors her parents. There is so much baggage today being brought into marriages based upon dysfunctional relationships with Mom and Dad. And even though this impacts both the husband and the wife, it's been my experience that women tend to be impacted more negatively by this than young men. Women tend to be more nurturing and they are impacted deeply by hurting relationships. If she has a hard time honoring her parents, she will have a hard time honoring you. Find someone who has or is working to have a healthy relationship with her parents.
3. Knows how to ask for forgiveness, admit she's wrong, grant forgiveness, and give grace when you fail her. This isn't just a one-way street. Both of you are going to need to do that.
4. Wants to be a wife and a mother. There are some young ladies who want to be married, but don't really want to be a wife and a mother. They want to be married, but they want their career to be their number-one pursuit. I believe the scriptures teach that a wife's number-one pursuit should be ministering to her husband and family. That means if you choose to have children, your priorities and values have already been determined.
5. Displays character in her modest dress. A young man's character is displayed in his choices around life—around the use of money and relationships. But a woman's character is displayed in how she handles the power of her femininity and sexuality. In other words—how modest is she? That's becoming a weird word in our culture, but I would challenge young men to keep their eyes out for young women whose character is displayed in not only on the inside, but the outside as well.
6. Knows how to follow a man. That doesn't mean perfection, but it does mean that she understands that she's the vice president, not the president. Women are joint heirs of the grace of God, but someone has to make the final decision when you both disagree. When one person votes one way, and the other person votes another, I believe it's the responsibility of the husband to listen carefully and wisely consider the counsel of his wife. It's upon him and to the Lordship of Jesus Christ as being led in the power of the Holy Spirit to make that decision, and then it's upon the wife to be able to follow under the same influence. That's not an easy thing in this culture.

As you see, it's not all about look and appearance, but more to qualities of her inner being. Know how to make-up and dress modestly are important, but after all those beauties fading... all you want is to have a person that accept you and together (yes, I mean TOGETHER) be with you through good times (either it hobbies/ministries/anything that you both can enjoy together); or  bad times (career changes, sickness, health failures, bankruptcy, etc).

I heard those from my male friends who almost got divorce or cheating on their wives by having affairs with other women who might not as pretty or gorgeous as their wives. Sometimes, their wives pretty faces and sexy bodies can't complete what they longing for, an union or togetherness that each individuals seek deeper in the souls...

But, if you're a man and woman of God, no matter happens in your life and how your current spouse react to you, you will stick to the marriage covenant and believe me, God's miracles work on the troubled marriages even only one person seek His face for help.

May God blesses every marriages out there....

Source : http://www.familylife.com/site/apps/nlnet/content.aspx?c=dnJHKLNnFoG&b=3593987&ct=4639461&notoc=1

What A Man Should Posses to be Worth Fighting For....

Recently, a friend spoke to me that she's already ready to get married with her boyfriend. A statement that I considered brave enough considering she's a lot younger than me, and nowadays there're lots of seem-compatible-enough couples who were madly in love in their weddings endedin divorces two or three years after...

Sadly but true, many women seek the wrong qualities in men and seem tolerate 'insignificant things' that turned out to be the most important in their future marriage life... According to a site that full of good advices from trustful women and men of God, here's the qualities that a woman should seek from a man :

1. Fears God. Some of the ways you can tell if a young man fears God is by his language and how he treats other people. Does he treat them with respect? If not, why not? We as human beings are made in the image of God, and respecting people ultimately shows a heart that reverences the One whom we reflect.
2. Is not afraid to love. That may sound like a no-brainer, but a lot of young men today are afraid of commitment, and the young lady ends up chasing the young man. What we need today are more young men who are not afraid of being real, authentic, and committed to a young lady in a relationship. We need men who are not afraid to love.
3. Can admit his faults, his mistakes, and when he's hurt you. Ruth Bell Graham made the statement, "A good marriage is the union of two forgivers." The reason is because you're going to hurt one another over and over again during your lifetime together. If you don't know how to ask for forgiveness and give forgiveness, you're never going to have a great marriage. The growth of your marriage will be stunted early on.
4. Can control his passions. We live in an age that has been invaded by pornography. The world sends a message that you can have it all and can satisfy yourself. I would want my daughters to date a young man who is fully in charge of his passion and can control his desire for the opposite sex.
5. Honors his parents. In the Ten Commandments, God tells us to honor our parents that our lives may be long and it may be well with us. Wouldn't you want to select a man whose life has a sense of well being in God's favor? I have heard it said that if you want to see how a young man will treat you, see how he treats his mother. I'd take that a step further—how does he honor both his mother and his father? Does he speak well of them or is he angry with them? Does he refuse to speak about them at all? What's going on between a young man and his parents is very important.
6. Is in the process of becoming a leader who knows how to serve. Being the head of a home and having so much authority and responsibility demands a servant spirit and self-denial. If a young man doesn't know how to deny himself on behalf of another person, giving up his personal rights, goals, and dreams, I would question whether he would know how to create a family over a lifetime. 

Do you find these qualities in a man? If yes, don't let him go girls! ;-) 

For the men, you might want to read what qualities to seek in a woman. Read my post after this...

source : http://www.familylife.com/site/apps/nlnet/content.aspx?c=dnJHKLNnFoG&b=3593987&ct=4639461&notoc=1
 

Wiser, Kinder, Lover

These few months had made me thinking of who am I going to be in the next phase of my life. During the last few months especially, many things happened. Things that somehow tested my personality and faith beyond the limits, things that made me thinking about God and His people in different ways.
I used to be a person with a strong purpose/will, there're many things being decided by logic and experiences. And when things happened outside my expectation, I analysed things carefully and quickly thought of things that made this unsuccessful, correcting people and situation with my utmost ability. But I'm not perfectionist, so when there are things and condition that I can't avoid or fix, I usually draw back like a phlegmatic person will do. And at that time, although my heart hurt, I will wrap it carefully and make sure that I'll survive by myself by tolerating the pain, thus increasing my endurance to feel any pain. Even now, the funny thing about being tough is, whenever I feel the pain due to any wound/scars either by accident (fell of motorbike, bicycle or, just simply cut myself when handling knife); I felt it minutes later after I felt there's a warm liquid flow from the wound/cuts. And sometimes it doesn't hurt so bad, while people probably will wails due to the wound...Odd huh?

Being hurt and dissapointed by people many times, I grew my independence of sometimes not too hope much on people. While I can do it myself, I'll do it, rather than asking people to do it for me. And examining people deeply made me became wiser on analyzing the situation and conflicts. Wisdom sometimes misunderstood by people as being too judging or slow to react. While for me, wisdom is based on thorough and careful thinking and lots of facts analyses and asking for God's guidance at most. Though I'm not perfect in making decisions sometimes, but when I rely on God's guidance, sometimes even the craziest thing to do will become the most wise thing I made.


Also, some people criticize me about being 'too blatantly' speaking my ideas or critics, especially regarding my ideas on job matters. They ask me to be nicer/kinder in speaking to people. While I thought that these people must be never speak professionally in front of public who criticize their works before. I've learnt that sometimes it's better to ignore them since they don't know what I'm doing.
Being nicer or kinder isn't always good, you tend to compromised for things that you should've change for better instead became a people-pleaser. I agree on being polite in sounding your ideas, but if the person or organization that always do the same mistakes again and again, I would say they need something to rebuke them from the wrongdoings. And not many people want to be everyone's enemy or the left wing party due to the truth, they prefer sit back and just enjoy the show while there are flaws and mistakes that actually can be prevented or eliminated.

I'm surely hate to be left behind or to be considered as the 'rebel', but if that's for the better sake of the purpose I'm working for people I serve, I'd rather be a guerrilla rather than be a nice smiling religious lady who don't do anything when she saw the injustice lay in front of her. But I knew people make mistakes, they are not perfect, and sometimes it needs time for them too to gain bravery to rebuke things...So, all I can do is be kind and patient to them...like Jesus does.

But my journey to became wiser and kinder face another obstacles... it is love. Will I believe in love again after so many hurts? Will I began to believe that there's someone out there that still believe in love regarding the race, ethnicity, family background or social status or any thing that considered unimportant? Just unconditional love based on the same vision in life, the same passion that God had put in our hearts, and the willingness to sacrifice and accept others just the way we are without seeing the difference between us?

I'm ready now, ready to love...after became wiser and never lose hope, after series of waking up from the terrible sadness and dissapointments, after became braver to speak what is in my mind, and kind enough to understand people's flaws... It is love that I want to believe in...

I love this quote of Rumi about love:

“The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along.” - Rumi

A Tiring Journey that I'd like to Pause

These past few months really had made me feel tired about this life...

Being misunderstood as 'traveling staff' that always got lucky chance to travel here and there without knowing that I had to undergone some bad experiences working outside my usual JD. Not to mention prolonged stress that often occur due to limited number of off days when I attend those meetings or workshops and went to other projects to fix things up from zero to something that worth reported by mass media.

And I finally had bad experiences regarding my current education status which is only 'Bachelor Degree" while helping on a doomed project in Borneo, they underestimated me! Haha! So Indonesian stereotype...Judging people by their education background only, not by their experiences... But somehow, I manage my feeling and work my best to help them...although they didn't pay attention to me.

As things goes by, I just felt worn out by my duties...No more happiness to work since I always being misunderstood, ignored, left alone to face giant problems and unappreciated. Feels like I just survive to get a-two-year-acknowledgement from this org, to pursue for higher dream...study again to be more capable and never being underestimate again...

Probably it'll just months when I will enter a new life in another country, if God allows me to get the chance. But the reasons why I want to pause this tiring journey for a while are not those obstacles of being misunderstood, underestimate and objection...but because I need to stop by and think about my purpose in this world, the higher vision that I long in my heart...

The vision that somehow so real and vivid, but sometimes too big to think about...too frightening to step on...thinking that I'll be alone doing that somehow...without a helper beside me.

I pray to God to make it clearer each day, to make me strong to face these mere obstacles I face everyday, to prepare me to meet him - the suitable partner - or not to meet him at all if God allows me to be alone to travel this life journey. But sometimes the vision seems too overwhelming...too big to handle alone, too lonely to travel on...

Somehow, I just need a pat in my shoulder, a nod of understanding or a letter /note of encouragement these days...or as simple as I'm-thinking-about-u SMS in my inbox. Things that impossible to me to get now... :-/

Fight for your love

I’m going to fight for your love. There are some things in life that are worth fighting for to the end. You are worth it.

quotes from “By the river Piedra I sat down and wept”

Such a touching quote, yet I am confused now to whom I should say that...since I have nobody to love now :P

How are you?

"Well, I'm good, or I can say...mostly good..."

I replied when I was asked by my friends. Smiling kindly and think that the world is just fine.

But did they really asked about it truthfully from their heart?

But if I was asked "How are you really?"

For some reasons, I think if I answered, I will cry in the room, and totally surprised myself because I thought I was just fine. Those tears were about a lot of things.

I'm here...thousands miles away from the people that I love and who loved me back...

I'm here, alone...with bunch of task and some IDR 500 millions to spend within a month and lots of unending tasks, meetings and conflicts to finish...

Here I am with no one to love and loved me back...

I began to feel weary and tired of my job, my life and my circumstances

Recently, another door opened, only it's not the way I want it to be. Previously, a window to another continent opened, and I believed that God will open the door too...But He's not...

Honestly, I feel guilty when I get to a place where I better understand God's plan or what He's calling me to do and it hasn't fully come into being yet.

I've done a lot of waiting over the last five years. And what God has gently revealed to me is this, if my heart is open and I'm saying "yes" to what He asks me to do each day then I am here where I supposed to be.

It may not make sense. It may seem small. It may sounds silly. But sometimes God just has made me stay. -- I got these thoughts after reading a Christian devotional blog--

I've done my part God, I had travel this far and now there're two ways that lay in front of me...And I asked God to choose it for me, not myself....as I had promised myself not to have no desire to fulfill my ego for life. I promised myself to be tough, no matter how rough the road I'm travelling now...and if He takes me to the path of solitude, I'm ready though no one travel with me...

And I say, "God, I am here and waiting. Turn the pages as you will. And with all I am, all I have, I will go with you."

One more year huh?

Gees, it's August now, and one more year ('few' more months to be exact) to stay here...and make difference....

I wish time can go faster, and probably I can see which path should I take next year...whether next year my dream to study will finally come true, or should I take another path?

And I'm wondering in times like these, when I had lost a chance to travel abroad and pursue my dreams....do I dare to dream and hope again?

I admitted that I had no other dream than to get that scholarship, after all, I'm pretty sure at that time I'm one of the best candidate to get it. I've been admitted to the best univ in Europe for food and nutrition subjects.

And I prayed to God that He might not answered my other wishes like having a really good career and high salaries, or finally found my soulmate....I'd risk all the things that I had in my life and just ask that request : to get Master degree scholarship in one of the best university in the world.

But He answered "NO", not this year probably.....

And here I am, with another year to spend in Alor, I've sign my extension for another year. But, I had another offer, a big one, that my friend offered for me months ago. That means going to another island, another provinces and bigger salary with tougher issues to work with the government. They still wait for my answer though....

To be honest, I'm confused, I'm in the intersection where I am standing and staring blankly at the roads ahead. Should I stay for another year that probably will broaden my chance to get the scholarship that requires me to stay loyal for two years in an institution?

Or should I move and get other adventures in Borneo and the job that finally pay for my mom's health expense and my apartment installments? While prob, this will limiting my chance to get

that scholarship since this is from a profit consultant company...

And is it God's answer to my ignorance to find my true love by meeting him, the one that I never think to love or even admire in the least place that I'll seek my candidate, days after I was announced to be not eligible for this year scholarship?

Yet, we're stay apart for months with very limited chance to meet. No FB, no YM, no Tweets, nothing whatsoever that can make me connected to him again. And prob, I'll just erase him after months just like I erase other men that have no further connection to me from my mind. But, again, I don't know what the future held for me and him.....

And I'm back to where I start

These past few weeks really made me thinking about my life again... What is my purpose and goals of this year...what I'm gonna do for the rest of the year...and about my feelings that has been turned upside down by some people....

Yes, life has been shifting quite fast for me, traveling from an island to others, working on many huge subjects like baseline and reviewing project plannings and indicators, meeting so many new people and new offer for my career made me haven't got time to rethinking them all over...
But what matters the most is that I can't help myself to feel sorry that I lost so many relationship with my friends nowadays...
When I called them, either they had families (hubby and children) to taking care of, or they are too busy with their life that are so much different from the life I'm living on, so that they don't understand the subjects I'm talking about...Sadly but true, I had 'lost' so many real connection these past few years due to my nomad and isolated work places...
And coming back to city life during these past few weeks isn't so easy. Yes, life in cities made you think you can get it all. Far more comfortable than living in villages and islands...Plus, u can meet many people or 'potential' ones - like my parents always say when they talk about finding a spouse for me. Haha, like I never look for that one all of these times...?
But, what made me uneasy to enjoy life in cities as well as in remote areas where I often work is....the absence of people I knew. Even amidst of the crowd that I met in cities, restaurants or malls... I felt lonely...they all seem having friends or spouse to shared a table, shared a meal or shared the fun...but not me...I'm alone....
Whether I'm eating at popular Vietnamnese restaurant, or crowded Thai restaurant or romantic Italian restaurant, I feel the same, lonely..... when nobody I knew around... The feeling is worse when I'm in the crowd, shopping or even pampering myself at spa or salon weren't help me to ease the pain of being alone...
Now, I knew the feeling of lonely people that probably decide to end their life because of the loneliness.... and it made me shiver....

It took me days to get up from the lonely and miserable feeling to what I am before...despite the people that I cared for had their new life with their spouses. And the person that I began to hope for had decided to get lost from my life without any further reason why he did that...
Despite all the sadness and obstacles my family is now facing, I'm trying to stand firm on my feet again.
I had lost my grasps on everything I cared for, trying to let them go...and continuing my life. I began to set the goals for this year, began to preparing the job that I was longing for although probably I had to leave so many dear things and friends behind, or even planning to get a scholarship and made my dreams of going abroad by myself coming true this year....
Yes, so many things to dream on and start working rather than feeling sorry for myself and continue to questioning myself "Did I do something wrong to him?"

Well, I thanked God that HE had given me a chance to met u, but I knew that probably we're not meant to be together.... I just hope that we both will find those special persons somehow... and until that time arrive I'm only becoming myself, the one that God created so special and back to where I start....His heart...

Tired of this game

Yes, I'm tired....I'm tired of the game of love....
What's inside men head for became the pursuer then suddenly without any notice, they think that nothing happened between us lately. Ha! How about long hours of talkin on the phone, chatting on the web and getting along so much that gals began to think that there are so many things they have in common and wondering are this one is the right one? (or perhaps the slightly closer to Mr.Perfect)

I know, if something made you lose ur feeling to someone is normal, but not because this gal said one that that discouraged you or joking to harsh, or saying the truth about herself that is not suitable to your criteria (for Godsake!), then you don't have rights to dump her just like that, without even noticing her or said why did u do that to her. For me, it's better to say it clearly to that gal what made you discouraged or lose ur feeling towards her, rather than slowly dump her and treat her as nothing happened between u both.

Sick, I'm tired of this drama, why don't people be true to themselves and to others. Just said it, nothin to hide though.

Just a simple note based on me and my friends exp :P

Shiftings

There so many things happened during the last days of 2009, and the beginning of 2010...Broken relationship with my friend that used to be good, but because of minor misunderstanding she now hates me and never want to see me again...And what I hope for God to show me HIS will and plans for the coming new year, seemed so dull...
A new year with days of uncertainty and challenges open it's pages wide in front of me....
The sadness and regrets because I didn't visit Yosua (a sponsored child from ADP Alor) during his treatment at the hospital on Christmas and New Year, made me regreted it since he passed away on Tuesday, a day after I arrived in Alor again....
The disappointment continued when I heard from a friend in NO, that I'm not the chosen one to be the coordinator of a special project in Jakarta. I lost the position for a person that are more experienced. I must admitted that I am disappointed, since I hope so much to be near to my mom. She's as usual won't tell me about her sickness again, though I had forced her to check her health to the hospital...I'm afraid when I heard her saying on Christmas eve, "I want to go with you to Jerusalem next Christmas, so don't go anywhere far from me."

God, I need strength to understand these....and I'm confused what should I do next...
Please lead me through these hard times.

A Year Passed

LOL, I just realize that this is the last day in 2009, shoot! Hehehe, a year passed so quickly, I even hardly can recall my memories this year.

Anyway, just want to say :

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Will you?

A question had been nagging my mind lately, a simple one that I had answered years ago. Only then, I have always regret it and wondering, "How if I answered differently?"
It came again, "What if you do if you find that right person now? Will you let go of all your dream?"

Years ago, I answered "No, I won't" and have to saw him walk away from my life.

And now, with all those wedding invitations came to me, and the questions of marriage (that sounds like advices and even orders from my fam and relatives), and the worse part of having to see cute babies and infants cared by their mothers --damn, I can't avoid them since they're the target of my job here, mother and child health-- yes, I begin to wonder again....

This time, I can't help myself worrying about how if they both came at the same time? The love of my life and the chance to fulfill my dream/my destiny? Would I let go one of them, and regret it just the way I did? If I said yes few years ago, then maybe it wouldn't be the same...
Today, it's just happened to be like any other day, I just busy with my job and routines, didn't realize that time goes by...and then I saw a pic that remind me of that question. And the alternative choice to just flow like a river and forget the dreams of finding a true person.

In case, I said no for the second time to a man that probably the one-- that I don't know when I'll meet-- will I regret it again? And will I survive to continue my life and living my job in humanitarian issues until I grew old and felt content of who I am?

Is it a bad news or a gift?

Today, when I assist the trainers and trainee of lactation counselors field practices... I found a shocking news concluded by one of the trainers. They suspect that one of my staff daughter is considered to have a down syndrome, this was concluded after they saw the process when the mother try to breastfeed the baby.
I had been suspicious about this also, when I saw the baby about a month ago, when she just few days old, because she's seem different from her sister and parents, moreover the baby is apathy towards the impulses created by her mother.

Gosh! I wish I could detect it earlier, but at that time I'm unsure and busy with many things so that I didn't really put it into my mind that it will lead to this serious birth defect.
Moreover, I knew the father of the child, he's one of the most responsible and cooperative staff that I ever work with, and I knew this family is a godly family that believe and practices the love of God.
The child father is now traveling for training sent by our office, and I'm not sure whether I can manage to say the precautions and the suspicion that we as trainers see in his baby. God, I wish I'm not the one that have to say the bad news....
But darn! I'm his supervisor though...and I'm the only health person that know better of this problem rather than the rest of people in my office.

God, is this a bad news? Or it's a gift that you sent to this family? I wish it turns out to be the best for Your will to be done....

The Agony

I don't want to...
Sleep and wake up realizing those just dreams..
Travel and go around....finding that you're nowhere to be found...
Hoping and wishing to discover that you're finally can't fulfill them...

But I keep....
Sleep and dreaming about you....wake up and wishing you're here to greet me every morning...
Travel and go around...wishing that somehow your spirit be with me everywhere I go...
Hoping and wishing you finally stay with me and fulfilling all my heart desires...

I wish, oh I can only wish...this time I'll find the way...
Though I'm staying in the wilderness...in the desert...with no one speaking to me
I wish...I can find my way back to you

Staring at the night sky in August...

I wake up in the middle of the night these few days, not thinking of anything for certain reason...but there are something in my heart that pounding it. I said to myself, do not waste your time thinking of the past and the things that seems impossible. You're a strong woman, you can make it without him...

And I lied again, it seems like that I care not to love again. Care not to look for someone that I can cared for...but I can't --


You're gone now, and all I can do, is just wishing that it is you....the one that my soul looking for...it is truly you, that my heart longing for....


Again, I felt the sudden emptyness when you're gone this time, just like when you leave me sometime ago...the pain when I can't see you around, just when I began to know you more...
But probably it's too late, just like every other stories in the past, when I found that I was a fool to let my love to go away, or too naive to trust in the love that's empty, or every now and then when I love the wrong person...
But, today, I felt that somehow that might be you....I hope that our previous meeting is a time when history began to wave it's endless threads of destiny between you and me... The threads that I wish can make a beautiful pattern in the rainbow in the sky that we stay under together....

I said a little prayer, thinking of you that probably in the other side of the world or probably stay near to me now. Pray that God will lead me to the end of the rainbow where you wait there and wait for me...


"Again, I'm sitting here, all alone again, without you that never seems so close to me...
I look at the stars, I spread my arms to the open sea and sky...and fly again, just like the lonely Cygnus in the midst of billions of stars"

I almost forget...

These few days, though my workload seem burdens me so much, I got surprising re-connections with some old friends and well, some ex-lovers... hehehehe...
They somehow contact me, mostly using SMS or chats, and some even called me directly to my cell. And I suddenly realized...that whenever I work in remote areas, I often find myself to have limited connection with my old friends. I spent most of my time to work and get limited social life here, no meeting people outside my work circumstances and of course no romance life whatsoever....

I must admit, I miss those moments of hanging out with my friends an buddies, and I miss the thrilling moments to love and to be loved back...the happiness when a person says to me, "I miss u and I love you the way you are..."
Am I going to find that person?

I'm still wandering and wondering though...

"Should we run...?"

"Should we run...?"
Seems like the soft south wind blow it to my ear
And I stand still, in the mist of the sea of grass and dandelions, wandering...
Somewhere, someone had asked me this before...

As I gaze upon the blue sky
The sun embraced me with warm sunlight
Again, I feel that feeling....that you are here...only, I'm not sure that you ever exist...
Half of me lost...between memories and the visions...

It's hard, harder than I ever imagine
To keep you in my mind, while the facts seem just like illusions
While the longings still linger in my heart
To be with you and know you more...

And I started to run...freely...with no direction
Just following where the wind blows
Hoping that it leads me to you
I run and run again....became lighter in every steps
And suddenly, I feel you near me...
Your hands holding mine and we run together...

When I stop because I'm catching my breath,
I feel your arms around me and holding me tight from behind
Whispering, "Now, we've run together, I'll never let you run alone again..."

A Vietnamese Culinary Experience

2 weeks ago, my friends and me decided to have some culinary experiences by trying some Vietnamese restaurant. The first try is Cali Deli, in Jalan Surabaya, Menteng, Jakarta. We rode our bicycles to the restaurant and park our them near the trees in the parking lot. At the first sight, the restaurant seemed so green and cozy, with beautiful lights from the bulbs lightened the park lot and the place every where. Moreover the greeneries from the plants and some air vapor created some mist that surprisingly refreshing. It feels like we’re not in the sideway of a busy road at all. Like we dine in a natural view restaurant that u can only found in Bogor or outside Jakarta.

My choices for that dinner were Turkey Sandwich (in Vietnam, they called these kind of sandwiches Bánh mì) and Vietnamese Ice Coffee, and my friend tried Lemongrass Chicken Sandwich and some juice. The food finally appeared and they seem so tasty, so I grab my sandwiches that had been cut into 3 nice part and munch it. Hmm…it’s so delicious! I like the crunchy bread, the unique yet tasty turkey and the vegetables (carrot, lettuce and some cucumber plus onion) that cut into small matchstick size, and also the smoked turkey meat that sliced into thin layers. We ate the sandwiches, my friend tried mine and vice versa. (unfortunately, I didn't bring my camera at that time, but this Bánh mì picture very alike with the ones we had)

The lemongrass chicken sandwiches are also delicious. I like the unique flavor of the marinated chicken. About the ice coffee, I like it, since it’s not too sweet as the usual coffee mix, but kinda had a strong flavor but yet enjoyable.

On Sunday, after the evening service, my friends and me went to a Mr.Pho 2000. It’s a Vietnamese restaurant located in Senayan City mall 5^th Floor. My friends ordered the Vietnamese spicy noodles that looks like Japanese ramen, and me, as usual, ordered the chicken sandwich. In hope that I get the same delicious experience like the one I had with Cali Deli’s Vietnamese sandwiches. For drink, I tried Salted Buzz, interested to taste this sounds unique drink.

The drink came in first. First, it taste very much like Sprite, they just add 2 piece of sliced lime and some yellowish fruits in the bottom that I thought must be apricot or mango. But I was wrong, the yellowish fruit had a salty taste like the ‘asinan’ (sautéed fruit) called ‘amoy’. I often get amoy (the name of the Chinese sautéed fruit) when I was in my childhood, and this yellowish fruit very much like amoy.

Then the food came….My sandwiches are not as delicious as the ones I had in Cali Deli. The stir-fried chicken as the stuffing is ok, but the French loaf/bread that they use aren’t crunchy and taste like ordinary bread. They provided a cup of oil with vinegar, but it doesn’t really add to the taste. I’m pretty much disappointed with the taste actually, because compared to the price, it don't satisfying at all. But well, it’s a culinary experience though. You never know what u’ll get.. ;)